Humorous Three Kingdoms: Celebrity Impression Show

Author: Zhou Rui
Publisher:
Publish Date: 2006-09-01
Features: Zhou Yu came home from work. As he walked down to his building's entrance, something flew out from a window above and hit him on the left side of his face. Before the unidentified flying object hit the ground, Zhou Yu caught it. It turned out to be a lychee pit. Zhou Yu's wife, Xiao Qiao, was at home enjoying lychees. Myopic Zhou Yu was about to raise his head in anger when he wasn't expecting Xiao Qiao to casually spit out another lychee pit. The pit struck Zhou Yu's right cheek, marking his second hit. Zhou Yu rushed upstairs, holding the lychee pit and glaring at Xiao Qiao, "Why did you attack me twice?" Xiao Qiao asked, "Which part did it hit?" Zhou Yu pointed, "Here and here." "Hmm," Xiao Qiao found it amusing, "Is it my luck that's too good, or your luck that's too bad? I wasn't aiming—""Wait!" Zhou Yu waved his hand and squinted. Whenever he welcomed inspiration, it was like this. "You say 'aiming'? If it's aiming, then we can treat this lychee pit as a weapon?" Zhou Yu quickly stood straight against the wall and ordered his wife, "You, stand five steps away." Xiao Qiao counted five steps. "Now, treat my face as the target and let's test the 'nuclear weapon.' A hit on the hair counts as one point. A hit on the ear counts as three points. A hit on the forehead counts as five points. A hit on the eyebrows counts as six points. A hit on the eyes counts as seven points—but please don't hit the eyes." "I understand," Xiao Qiao said. "A hit on the lower lip counts as eight points. A hit on the upper lip counts as nine points. If it hits the center, it's ten points." "Exactly!" Xiao Qiao then ate more lychees, keeping the pit in her mouth. "Puff!" The pit flew out, hitting Zhou Yu's eyebrows. Zhou Yu called out the score: "Six points!" The second pit hit Zhou Yu's chin. Zhou Yu said, "Let's count that as two points.—Why is it getting more off-target?" Just then, the third pit flew straight at him. Zhou Yu felt a sting on his nose and immediately cheered, "Ten points! Success!" Since the lychee pit is the seed of a lychee, Zhou Yu called this "round bullet." With the "round bullet" in hand, Zhou Yu immediately began nuclear preparation. He asked his soldiers, "What are you holding in your mouths?" "We're doomed!" The soldiers, with pits stuffed in their mouths, could only mumble incoherently. Zhou Yu pointed to the bamboo poles placed in front of each soldier, "These bamboo poles five steps away are your nuclear strike targets." First, practice hitting the poles. Then, practice knocking them down. Once all the poles were knocked down, Zhou Yu said to the soldiers, "Good, you've now reached—”“Reached your expectations?” “No, you've only reached the level of women, the level of my wife.” Zhou Yu ordered the poles to be moved ten steps away. A new round of the Wu-Vei War was about to begin. The Wu army was led by Zhou Yu, while the Wei army was led by Cao Cao. The two armies faced each other, observing one another. Seeing that the Wu soldiers were all bare-handed, Cao Cao couldn't figure it out. "General Zhou," Cao Cao asked the Zhou Yu across from him, "Are you planning to surrender?" Zhou Yu said, "No intention of surrendering." "Then, are you trying to hypnotize us with magic?" "It has nothing to do with magic. We have our own secret weapon. Just attack!" Like a song goes, Cao Cao "looked left, looked right, looked up, looked down," but after looking around for a long time, he couldn't see anything. P2-5