What should I do if my child is afraid?

Author: Paul Jurek (Germany), translated by Xia Junfeng
Translator: Xia Junfeng
Country of Origin:
Publisher:
Publication Date: 2002-07-01
Features: If we regard language as an expression of human nature, we would find that it equips us with a wide variety of ways to express fear. We have far fewer words to describe emotions other than fear. When it comes to fear, we use terms like "fear," "dread," "panic," "terror," and "startle." Adding professional terminology, there are even more. Our everyday language can sometimes be more direct, thereby vividly conveying the psychological state of fear. We say "heart palpitations," "trembling with fear," "fear," "in a state of panic," or "shocked"; sometimes we say "frozen with fear" or even "scared to shit." The latter expression particularly vividly captures the close connection between our mental experiences and related physiological reactions. Not only children but also adults, when fearing exam failure, may sometimes be "scared out of their wits." It seems that our fear is somewhat related to how we perceive things. On the other hand, when we feel extremely conflicted, unsure whether to take action or stay put, we may tremble like "leaves in the wind." There is another form of fear we have yet to mention. It overlaps with other fears, and we are often unaware of its existence. It is always mixed with the fear of what is termed "reality" and the fear of actual threats. We regard it as the fear of things that can be clearly articulated, such as fire, disease, uncontrolled people, or other things. Generally speaking, even if we cannot always accurately describe the feeling of fear, we can at least clearly identify the objective things that cause us fear. But survival fear is different. For hundreds, even thousands, of years, philosophers have been studying it—from Sartre and Jaspers to Kierkegaard and Heidegger—many great thinkers in human history have continuously explored the deep-rooted reasons that instill a sense of threat in people. Survival fear may be the only kind of fear that affects adults more than children. During their growth, children devote too much energy to dealing with imagined or real threats. However, since a significant portion of children's fear is learned from adults, they are indirectly affected by survival fear as well. Separation has its own characteristics at every stage of life. The earliest form of separation occurs between 12 and 18 months after a child is born. The initial brief separation begins when the child can crawl but cannot yet walk. As the child begins to take independent steps, they gradually see themselves as an individual who is not always with their mother. Minor falls or injuries can leave deep emotional scars—the fragility of the freedom they strive for becomes apparent. The desire to control the world may quickly turn into profound helplessness and disappointment. As children enter new stages of independence, the more safety and encouragement we provide, the more confident they will be when taking their first steps toward independence. Separation must be understood. At every new stage of life, we ask children to overcome the pain of separation. Whether it's attending kindergarten, starting school, moving to a new school, or beginning work, all involve leaving a familiar environment. Unavoidable separations in family life can also cause deep emotional wounds. The death of a grandmother, older siblings moving out, or even parental divorce, along with many other situations, can place heavy psychological burdens on our children. Therefore, we should guide them early to view separation as a necessary, though painful, part of life. The more trust and security your child feels at home, the better they can adjust to the emotions of separation (initially brief). However, it takes time and learning for children to not lose themselves during separation. Children fear many threats and dangers based on their own experiences, whether these dangers are real or imagined does not matter. When we step into the world of children, that black dog next to them not only looks dangerous but is perceived as dangerous. To children, it truly has glowing eyes, teeth like knives, and runs faster than cars. And lightning during a thunderstorm is not just a dazzling light in their imagination—it is followed by terrifying sounds and rays that seem to penetrate and kill them. Especially at night, when it gets dark, children fear unusual natural phenomena like lightning and thunder even more. The example of a thunderstorm is particularly suitable for encouraging children to distinguish between real dangers, dangerous situations, and things that only seem dangerous but are actually harmless. Observing a thunderstorm: When the thunderstorm arrives, the whole family gathers in the kitchen. The mother explains to her children that lightning inside the house is not dangerous and that lightning and thunder are close friends. The father adds that lightning and thunder occur simultaneously, but sound travels slower than light, so lightning appears first. With each flash of lightning, a loud greeting rings out: "Oh!" It's as if the sky is putting on a wonderful fireworks display just for this family. After the lightning, all family members shout and count together: "21, 22, 23." The nine-year-old son knows that sound travels one kilometer in three seconds, while the eleven-year-old daughter calculates how far the thunderstorm is from them. As the family sits comfortably together, the parents begin to share stories about their own experiences with thunderstorms. They tell the children where it is safest to be during lightning—such as in a car or inside a house—and what not to do during a thunderstorm: seeking shelter under tall trees or running around an open field, like a large grassy area, because lightning always seeks the shortest path to the ground, often striking tall trees or isolated objects. As described above, natural phenomena become a positive experience. Through this process, children learn that when they are safely at home, listening to their parents explain what is happening, those frightening natural phenomena seem only half as bad as they originally imagined. Fear from accidents: Some children have been involved in car accidents or other disasters and are constantly worried that such things will happen again. Even though years may have passed, the fear resurfaces repeatedly. They often describe this feeling to others, as if disaster is lurking nearby. The memory of disaster often strikes suddenly and unexpectedly, causing panic. These children may suddenly feel shortness of breath, headaches, panic, or break into a cold sweat, as if they had just experienced the disaster again. They often become timid, lose their appetite, or have trouble sleeping. Terrifying memories Unfortunately, these so-called "flashbacks" often occur when children are experiencing something happy and are not expecting it. Over time, this can prevent them from enjoying life, as they constantly fear that such terrifying events will happen again. As a result, children may develop a fear of memories themselves. Therefore, parents need to show great patience and attention to help their children learn to endure fear. We recommend seeking help from psychologists, pediatricians, or educational counseling services, as solving this problem often requires too much from most parents. We live in an era where the superficial is mistaken for the essential. Ubiquitous advertising and the ideal of a perfect world push us to present ourselves as increasingly beautiful, worry-free, versatile, and free from interference. This is certainly possible in many ways and for a certain period of time. However, when difficulties arise, when we are out of sync with our feelings, or when we feel lonely or unable to cope with something, we use various methods to suppress fear. Some get drunk on weekends, others engage in extreme sports, and some endlessly watch DVDs—these and more are avoidance behaviors adults adopt to try to preserve their seemingly intact self-world. Among these, alcohol abuse often leads to severe consequences. Addiction Mental health problems The most common consequence of addiction is mental health issues. When people cannot tolerate their situation, any choice they make can become an addiction. In the desire to relax or at least temporarily escape fear, we turn to various substances. To overcome panic, in addition to alcohol, tranquilizers like "Valium" are widely used. Out of goodwill, parents may sometimes give these medications to their children to alleviate their fears. The worst thing about these drugs is that they are indeed effective, at least temporarily. Children who cannot overcome their fear through other means may become more confident and proactive after taking them, but as soon as the drug's effect wears off, they return to their original state, requiring daily medication. Over time, the drug's effectiveness diminishes as the body becomes accustomed to it. To achieve the same effect, people must eventually increase the dosage. Long-term, frequent use of tranquilizers can lead to dependence. Appropriateness of medication in special cases In emergency situations, it is acceptable to take such medications for a limited time, and they can be quite effective at that moment. Sometimes, taking tranquilizers is the only way to get through a difficult period, such as a divorce, the death of a loved one, or a heavy blow. However, the fundamental principle is that tranquilizers should not be used to treat everyday fear or fear responses or phobias, or else the dream of overcoming fear may turn into a nightmare of dependence. Integrated therapy When children are severely affected by certain experiences, parents may have to use medication. If a child cries uncontrollably and becomes increasingly withdrawn and listless when discussing topics that trigger their fear, it's time to seek professional help. Medication can help children realize that fear does not always control them, but it should only be an auxiliary treatment. The dominant approach should be play therapy or talk therapy, which may require the entire family's participation. Please remember, this concerns your child's health. Don't avoid seeing a doctor or seeking treatment out of fear of what others might think of you and your family.