What should I do if my child lacks discipline?

Author: Helga Kübler (Germany), translated by Cao Juan
Translator: Cao Juan
Country of Origin:
Publisher:
Publication Date: 2002-07-01
Features: Threats are also a form of violence. Violence can take other forms, even when expressed in a gentle and loving tone. The general form of gentle violence that I know is threats: "If you do that again, I won't like you anymore." The younger a child is, the more dependent they are on their parents' love. The fear of being abandoned by their parents triggers a deep-seated fear in them. Even if we are well-intentioned, this method is unacceptable. For older children, this threat can manifest in other ways. When we are unwell, we may subtly or overtly threaten that it's the child's fault, pointing to our chests and saying, "You see, what would happen if I didn't watch you?" I understand that when parents face their child's misbehavior, they feel helpless and hope to guide them back on the right path with this line. But if you really encounter such a situation, would you bear to let the child endure the guilt of their actions? Children often get into the habit of admitting they did wrong, even when they didn't. Love cannot be forbidden.
If parents are already divorced and one continues to accuse the child of loving the other, this is also a form of violence that offers no relief. When parents are at odds, the child is suddenly expected to stop loving one or the other—why? The child also feels the need to take responsibility. To avoid losing financial support from one parent, the child may have to betray their own feelings.
Violence hinders growth
In all these examples, adults use their advantage to directly or indirectly exert violence over the behavior, emotions, and thoughts of children who depend on them. I don’t believe all these situations can be avoided. I also assume that in these cases, we are well-intentioned, but I must honestly state the impact these events have on children. Some children react to pressure with anger and defiance, which is a normal response. Others may withdraw and approach others with fear, unable to face pressure openly and confidently. They haven’t yet learned to think independently, judge, or trust their own thoughts and judgments. They would rather believe others and think that keeping quiet and doing as they’re told will make things better. They secretly hope that by doing so, they too will become strong. In the short term, this method may seem effective, but I urge you to look further ahead.
Put yourself in the child’s shoes
Consider this: You’ll remember that in many situations, we treat children completely differently from adults—this is very disrespectful!
- When you accidentally bump into an adult, you might say, "Sorry!" But when you bump into a child, many people just say, "Watch out!"
- When an adult blocks your way, you might say, "Can you let me through?" But when people encounter children, they often say, "Get out!"
As you’ve noticed how common this is, I’ve already pointed out in the previous text: "Imagine how you would feel if someone treated you the way you treat a child. Many things children learn from adults."
The first person to greet should be you
When adults meet a child they know, most wait for the child to greet them first. If the child doesn’t greet the adult, it’s seen as impolite. The best way to get a child into the habit of greeting others is for others to greet them first in a friendly manner. Have you ever seen a child remain silent in such a situation? Let’s lead the way! A person who already knows what kindness is should make a concession to someone still learning—it’s inherently polite.
Overly extreme reactions from parents
We hope our children are gentle and helpful. They should engage in constructive, creative, and productive activities, not attack others or cause destruction. Therefore, when faced with a lot of weapons, most parents react overly strongly. It’s said that these weapons are for maintaining peace, but in reality, they can cause fatal harm to everyone. In children’s play worlds, they arm themselves with impressive and attractive weapons, seizing every opportunity to use them during carnivals—marching in groups with guns, dressed as cowboys. This is a cruel mockery of our sincere desire to contribute to world peace.
Why are children attracted to weapons?
Children often feel weak and powerless. They are small and vulnerable, with no way to resist the decisions of older children or adults. It seems they can’t fight back with their heads or fists. But they notice that a small person can torture a big person with a gun. Our culture today demands that boys surpass others and become "real men," and children’s fantasy weapons give them the possibility to achieve this. These weapons weren’t invented by children—they see adults using them to fulfill their wishes and gain power. To understand this, they just need to watch a few news programs at night, stroll through streets of military exercise areas, or gaze up at the sky amidst explosions.
Prohibition or tolerance?
"I absolutely will not let you bring this toy into the room." I often hear parents say this to young children. But what if they’re older and use their allowance to buy swords or guns? Children can fully control their allowance, or I respect those parents who prohibit weapons in the house, but personally, I don’t agree. I remember a priest’s daughter eagerly aiming a gun at her friends in an arcade because she wasn’t allowed to play with such things at home. I also clearly remember children hiding toy tanks and soldiers in their neighbors’ yards because they weren’t allowed to bring them home. If my child hides his favorite war toys from me, what good does that do? If I don’t know what he’s doing, would I take the chance to discuss these issues with him?
For parents, "the child’s room must be tidy" is clearly a hot topic. At the parent discussion groups I host, we’ve talked about this countless times. It’s striking how often moral concepts are used in these discussions. Tidiness is often linked to cleanliness—not just of shelves and hands, but also of character. If someone doesn’t love tidiness, they might be dirty, unhygienic, and dangerous. For such people, can we hold any hope? Must it be this way? Can’t I be both very proper and very untidy at the same time? Personally, I believe that as long as parents don’t understand the purpose behind their preference for tidiness, even the most convincing arguments for tolerating children’s untidiness will be insufficient.
Too much tidiness is not freedom
If you read old novels, you’ll always find wealthy families demanding that servants keep their homes spotless, tidy to the point of being dust-free. If you’re busy, you wouldn’t think of such nonsense. If today’s housewives accept this idea, they’d believe that a well-organized housewife must keep her floors so clean that people can eat on them. If she hasn’t vacuumed or cleaned the kitchen sink, she won’t feel comfortable going out. This idea has lingered so long that they’re still influenced by this wrong notion.
Is tidiness meaningful or excessive?
I don’t want to give the impression that I’m defending messiness or condemning tidiness. Tidiness has its practical value:
- People enjoy moving freely in their homes.
- Nothing gets broken or spoils.
- People can quickly find what they need.
But I oppose tidiness that goes against practicality—this kind is dull. It carefully follows conventions and routines, allowing no room for change from the start. The reasons we give for tidiness are just: "It looks like this!" or "We’d be ashamed of it!" Here, we must reflect and ask ourselves critically.
Many things will resolve themselves
Tidiness has a very practical side, which children will eventually realize when, without external pressure, they desperately search for objects that should be in specific places. You rush to get your bike but find the garage key isn’t where it should be. People in a hurry often can’t find anything. By the time your friends are at the swimming pool, you’re still searching. Bet on this: If the key had been hung in its proper place from left to right, what would have happened? Your child would say that this isn’t tidiness but practicality—and they’d be completely right.
Trust instead of prohibition
- Give your child the opportunity to play with fire, teaching them necessary safety measures and fire extinguishing techniques. Then, they won’t try to play with fire secretly. Even if they do, they’ll know what to do or how to seek help. Those strictly forbidden from playing with fire may panic and run off, leading to huge losses.
- Don’t prohibit your child from associating with "problematic" peers. Invite them to your house to play, so you’ll get to know them better and appreciate them. You can even tell your child more specifically what you dislike about them.
- If you prohibit your child from playing a certain game, they’ll find ways to sneak out and play anyway, and you’ll lose authority. If you don’t prohibit and punish, your child will tell you about these "silly" things (at least occasionally), and you can discuss rules together.
- Tell your child that you trust their judgment, and they won’t feel constrained by rules but rather trusted by you. This will be more effective. Of course, your child won’t always behave as you hope.
Understanding is more important than prohibition
Must we impose a ban on so many things? Almost everything is forbidden—no playing on stairs, no running on the grass, no playing slides in the park. Every place a child can play is constantly monitored by adults. If everything is already monitored, how will they develop their own behavior rules? Rules imposed on people don’t inspire understanding; they only provoke resistance. But shouldn’t we prohibit some dangerous games, like playing with fire? I don’t know of any child who doesn’t like playing with fire. The predictable and controllable power of fire that people anticipate is what fascinates them—it can become uncontrollable. How should people learn to control it? Only through practice!