Old and new concepts clash

Author: Fan Jingbo
Publisher:
Publish Date: 2006-05-01
Features:
Focus: "A Forced Choice" "Men always desire to be the man their loved woman desires, while women hope to be the last woman their loved man desires." Let's first look at a self-statement from a netizen: I've been married for two years. My wife wasn't a virgin before me, but I was. However, she had honestly told me before marriage that for a love that didn't belong to her, she had given everything, yet it still couldn't hold him. When I learned about her past, my heart ached, but I still accepted her. After the wedding, she was very good to me, and at first, I felt very happy. But as time passed, after the passion faded, every time I thought about her past, I felt uncomfortable. Later, I thought that perhaps having a child together might make things better. Last year, she got pregnant, and both of us were very happy. But the happiness didn’t last. A few months later, during a checkup, we found out the fetus had died, though the exact cause was unclear. The first thing that came to my mind was that it might have been due to the side effects of an abortion she had in the past. For the first time, I thought about divorce. She cried and begged me not to abandon her. Seeing her teary face and thinking of our elderly parents, my heart softened again. But after that, my mentality became twisted, and I would randomly get angry at her or ignore her. She always endured it silently. I admit my wife is a good woman, kind to me, our family, and our parents. I don’t want to treat her this way, but faced with uncontrollable emotions, I don’t know what to do. Please tell me what to do.
At the end, I want to advise young girls to cherish their first. It’s responsible for yourself and your future husband. I think most men don’t care about virginity or not. They care more about a woman’s psychological and physical changes. Do you know? Stories like this are not uncommon in real life. Some even think that when men say they can accept a non-virgin wife, it’s self-deception. No one can truly be indifferent. The smile on their face is often only known to themselves how difficult it is. And when they’re alone, they might even be afraid to face their own true thoughts. Some might say, "Which man doesn’t care if his wife is a virgin?" Even if he doesn’t say it, he’ll have lingering thoughts when he accepts such a girl. The feeling of blood on the wedding night will make me feel her purity and cherish her even more. In reality, deep down, men always desire to be the first man in their woman’s life. Imagine a wedding—brides often wear spotless white gowns, symbolizing purity—both spiritually and physically. Living in one place for a lifetime, sleeping beside one person—this is indeed an ideal love and marriage for many. But life is unpredictable, and choices often force us to deviate from our set paths, especially in love, leading to a hidden sense of helplessness.
Certainly, in today’s increasingly open attitudes toward sex, more men have stepped forward to claim that the "virgin complex" is outdated. Some have indeed forgiven their girlfriends’ pasts, but when it comes to accepting that their wives aren’t virgins, the problem becomes more complicated. If you dig deeper, you’ll find that men don’t necessarily accept non-virgin girlfriends or wives without conditions. On a deeper psychological level, even men trying to overcome the "virgin complex" have various thoughts and considerations, and in reality, they don’t always live happily. There are many reasons to persuade men to let go of their "virgin complex," but generally, they fall into a few categories:
1. "What I lack, how can I ask of others?" Men who fall into this category are usually well-experienced, especially if their first encounter was with a virgin. This gives them a basic sense of psychological balance. In later relationships, they’re less likely to care if their partner is a virgin. At least, they won’t obsess over the issue after falling in love with a woman they admire. In other words, these men believe that since they’ve already experienced it, they have no right to demand more from others. As "veterans," they often value a woman’s beauty, character, and talent more. Marriage, in a sense, is one of the most important decisions in life. A woman with experience might be better at managing and cherishing a relationship. This rationality isn’t innate but comes from personal experience and understanding.
If the above scenario has a touch of realism, then life also has romantic reasons—for love! For the person they truly love, they set aside the "virgin complex." As the saying goes, "In lovers’ eyes, the plainest face is beautiful." When true love strikes, nothing can stop it—even if the other person isn’t a virgin. In fact, his love stems from devotion and tolerance, and he understands that nothing in this world is perfect. Love means ignoring the past like smoke and understanding the other person’s feelings.
P85-87