Annoyances in Marriage: Li Zixun Deciphers the Psychological Code of Marriage

Author: Li Zixun
Publisher:
Publish Date: 2006-07-19
Features: Host: Welcome to "News Interview Room." To start, I'd like to ask you a question: What do you think marriage is? I think it's a question with ten different answers from ten different people, whether they're single, married, or have no intention of getting married. Marriage is something we can't help but think about and face. If something goes wrong in a marriage, what should we do? Today, we have invited psychologist Li Zixun.
Host: Hello, have you been focusing on psychological issues in marriage since 1990?
Li Zixun: Because many people who come for counseling have marriage-related problems.
Host: So your attention is more focused on this area?
Li Zixun: Indeed, I've given it a lot of thought.
Host: You've thought and researched a lot about marriage and family issues. Can we assume that if someone understands marriage and family issues so well, marrying them would guarantee happiness?
Li Zixun: Not necessarily! Knowing too much about marriage can make someone have fewer expectations of it. While a harmonious life is easier to achieve, the joy, passion, and enjoyment in marriage may decrease accordingly.
Host: Should we pursue passion and intense joy in marriage, or should we prioritize stability and security?
Li Zixun: Actually, from a psychological perspective, marriage is a deep need for belonging. Marriage is not the same as love. Love is a seed planted in the ground, and when both parties work hard to nurture it, the seed grows, and the fruit is marriage. But the fruit (marriage) is not the same as the seed (love); it's more than just the seed. Therefore, love alone is not enough, and marriage is also a way of survival.
Host: So love is just a starting point. How much does people's understanding of marriage itself affect their actual behavior in marriage?
Li Zixun: It's quite significant! Under different cultural frameworks, our interpretations of marriage vary. Our feelings about marriage come from the concepts we hold in our minds. If psychologists are to explain it, love is not between two people—it's about oneself.
Host: Oneself?
Li Zixun: For example, in Xu Jinglei's movie "A Letter from an Unknown Woman."
Host: "I love you" has nothing to do with you?
Li Zixun: Exactly. If you don't have the ability to love in your heart, no matter who you're with, no matter how much they care about you, you won't feel love.
Host: If you have the ability to love, but they ignore me, can I still love them?
Li Zixun: It's very simple. Look at those "fans" who love Jay Chou or someone else. As long as they know they're singing, living, see their photos, or listen to their music, they feel happy. "Fans" are just observing, and this attention has nothing to do with the person they're following. When we love others, we feel joy in our hearts, as if our lives have meaning, and as if we're living with purpose. So it's the same with marriage. If a woman or a man loves their partner and feels happiness, but then doubts them, doesn't love them, or thinks they love someone else, that feeling disappears, and they lose it.
Host: Your definition of marriage has always been that it's neither good nor bad, only about whether the two people are compatible? Or is it that with the times, various marriage situations have emerged, and this explanation helps people accept their own marriages more easily?
Li Zixun: Around 1990, when I researched a survey on marital happiness in California, USA, I found that it proposed several criteria for assessing marital happiness, but love was not included. It didn't ask if you loved your husband or if your husband loved you.
Host: Love isn't a metric?
Li Zixun: It's not a metric because it's hard to describe consistently. Love is an internal thing. If you believe a man loves you, you can see it in his actions. But if you think he doesn't love you, you'll read it into every action he takes—it's a reflection of your own inner world.
Host: In marriage, like the assessment criteria you mentioned earlier, love isn't included. What other criteria are there?