Your man is your responsibility.

Author: Nancy Bucher (USA)
Publisher:
Publish Date: 2006-05-01
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When a woman discusses her partner's appearance with him, she often carries emotional baggage. For example, if a woman anticipates that her "constructive criticism" won't go smoothly, it can create panic when she actually has to give it. She might end up venting or being aggressive—even though that's not what she intended. Dr. Gulsrud notes that dog owners are familiar with this saying: "Attack for self-preservation." This refers to dogs barking wildly when they feel threatened. Women are similar—when they fear that their words will meet resistance from their partner, they become confrontational and provocative even before the conversation begins. The result? Women use aggression to mask their fear, "I’m afraid that if I mention your weight, you’ll start shouting at me again," Dr. Gulsrud says. "Anger is often a way of hiding vulnerability." And not knowing how to start the conversation can intensify a woman's panic. Just as a man’s self-esteem takes a hit when he feels powerless or out of control, a woman’s self-esteem can be damaged if she believes she’s not a good communicator. The outcome? While she may appear assertive, she’s actually very fragile inside. The solution is for women to recognize that they’re not truly angry—they’re just afraid of the conversation. They need to take the initiative and express their feelings. Dr. Gulsrud shares a great way to start a conversation: "You know, I want to tell you something about your appearance, but I’m really scared that whatever I say will only make things worse, and I won’t know what to do next. Have you ever felt this way?"
Another form of emotional baggage for women is what Dr. Gulsrud calls the "Hester Prynne phenomenon." Remember Hester Prynne’s famous vow in Gone with the Wind, "I shall not be hungry anymore"? If a girl witnesses her mother being suppressed by her father during her childhood, she might tell herself, "This will never happen to me!" As a result, she grows up to be a highly controlling woman—because she’s desperately trying to escape her mother’s fate. Another scenario is if a little girl witnesses or experiences a life she can’t control during her childhood. She may also grow up to be a woman who loves to dominate others. Such a woman won’t make any progress when discussing her partner’s appearance because her man has long learned how to shut her down. He doesn’t enjoy communicating with her and often responds with vague remarks. On the other hand, she also notices that he interacts well with others. For both men and women, this is a "double loss" situation. Dr. Gulsrud says, "Often, any deterioration in emotional relationships we witness during childhood can affect how our adult relationships develop."
If you suspect you might have similar issues, it’s time to pause and reflect. If you let your man lose a few pounds or wear a