Love loneliness

Author: Wang Yuru / Country: Mainland China
Publisher:
Publish Date: 2005-05-01
Features: Entering a middle-class family in Shanghai feels like stepping into an alien world for Xiao Di. The result of planting northern citrus in the south is that, apart from her feelings for Li Dong, she cannot adapt to anything else. During the time she was waiting for a job, Xiao Di became anxious, making several phone calls a day, which irritated Li Dong greatly. The slightest negligence from Li Dong would make Xiao Di pursue him even more tightly. Li Dong didn’t care much about Xiao Di’s career; he was determined to achieve something through his own efforts, while Xiao Di didn’t care about Li Dong’s achievements. She was only thinking about how to make love shine.
In just half a year, Li Dong felt as if he were suffocating under Xiao Di’s love. He told her, “We’re not suitable for each other. Let’s break up.” Xiao Di seemed prepared; she just cried silently, saying, “I had a premonition that this would happen sooner or later. I won’t blame you. I just want to have one more chance to feel whether your love will return.” Li Dong was also heartbroken but couldn’t force himself to change his mind. They agreed that Xiao Di would move out and rent an apartment nearby to live alone, letting distance test their “love.”
For two whole years, Xiao Di became a “call girl.” When Li Dong was in a good mood, he would visit her, and occasionally, he would call her back. Every few months, Li Dong would ask Xiao Di if she was ready to divorce, and each time he asked, her heart would ache as if it were being cut. Her hope dwindled daily. As the year came to an end, Li Dong urged her urgently, saying he would no longer visit her if she didn’t divorce.
When Xiao Di came to see me, it had been a week since she last saw Li Dong. She didn’t know whether to divorce or continue waiting for a love that was already fading. I asked her, “If you know the love won’t return, why are you asking for more pain?” Xiao Di lifted her wrist to show me. She said, “If there’s no hope at all, why did he give me such expensive gifts?” The swinging bracelet glowed with a dazzling white light, trying to save the last dream of love.
I told Xiao Di, “The bracelet is a reminder to forget. He wants to use it to ease the pain of abandonment.” Like every other visitor, Xiao Di already had an answer in her heart before coming. They came only to seek support. In truth, Xiao Di knew this love was beyond saving, and dragging it on would only cause more harm to both of them.
Xiao Di didn’t resent Li Dong much; she only lamented her own bad luck. She decided to divorce, making the rest of the process simple. The only thing she couldn’t decide was who to have the New Year’s reunion dinner with—Li Dong and his family, or going back to Beijing with her parents? In the past few years, she had always eaten the New Year’s reunion dinner in Shanghai and then traveled to Beijing the next day to pay respects to her parents. But this year? I suggested she ask Li Dong. Li Dong answered correctly and coolly, “Where you eat doesn’t matter!” But Xiao Di said she really wanted to have this last reunion dinner and call her parents one last time, making it the last time they were husband and wife in that year.
Yet, what about tomorrow? Would it hurt even more? Since he was so heartless, why had their lingering attachment been worth anything? Xiao Di said she wanted to go back and think things through. In the evening of Chinese New Year’s Eve, Xiao Di told me her decision. She was already on the plane; she had decided to go back to Beijing for the holiday.
P5-6