Walk out of "The Age of sixteen"

Author: Chi Huaqiong
Nationality:
Publisher:
Publish Date: 2003-08-01
Features: When I was young, my hair was black, and my sister's was yellow. People called my sister "Little Yellow Hair" and me "Little Black Hair." I was a mischievous "Little Black Hair." My mother was busy with livelihood, and my father was far away in Kashgar, Xinjiang, so I rarely received much and. My natural temperament was given a space to develop freely. I often played under the mulberry tree in front of my house, climbing the tree like a boy, picking mulberry leaves, and feeding my silkworms. Watching my silkworms grow under my care, become translucent, spin cocoons, and transform into pupae and moths, I felt extraordinary surprise at the evolution of these little lives and gained endless joy from it. I often ran to the Huangpu River behind my house to watch ships sailing on the river and seagulls circling above it. Gazing at the rolling waves of the river flowing into the vast horizon, my heart drifted far away with the sparkling river water. I imagined becoming a seagull, flying lightly above the river water, draped in transparent sunlight, diving into the white clouds and blue sky. It felt as if someone was calling me from above the blue sky and white clouds, and I would follow that call, flying to distant places, to faraway destinations. Now, looking back, this might have been a hint from fate that I would eventually leave this place, drift in the world, and head toward distant places and goals.
Not far from my house, there was a small river that was a frequent haunt of mine in my childhood. The grassy banks of the river were filled with various insects chirping. In the spring, countless tadpoles swam in the river. I used a net made of gauze and iron wire to catch tadpoles in the clear river. I put the tadpoles in glass jars and brought them home, watching them grow. As summer turned to autumn, the tadpoles transformed into frogs, which are called "field frogs" in my hometown. At night, the frogs would croak loudly by the riverbank, like a chorus. Even while sleeping at home, I could hear their majestic songs. That chorus carried my thoughts to the small river, and in my sweet childhood dreams, I would transform into a tadpole, a black little sprite, happily and freely swimming in my hometown, in the small river not far from my house.
The wild fields by the river also left traces of my childhood. I often carried a small bamboo basket to the wild fields to pick wild mustard greens and Malan heads. Dumplings filled with wild mustard greens and pork stuffing are a favorite snack for people in Shanghai. Even now, I can still recall the dumplings my mother made with the wild mustard greens I brought home. They smelled of the fields and were incredibly delicious. It was such a wonderful taste that I could, there is no food in the world as delicious as this. Malan heads are also a wild vegetable loved by people in the Jiangnan region. According to the of a concubine of Empress Dowager Cixi named De Ling, one day when Empress Dowager Cixi was strolling in the Summer Palace, she saw some concubines picking wild vegetables and asked what they were picking. The concubines replied that they were picking Malan heads. Intrigued, Empress Dowager Cixi had the imperial chef prepare the dish and taste it. Unsurprisingly, the Empress, who had eaten countless delicacies, was amazed by it and praised it for days. I think that no matter how well-made something is by human hands, it can never rival the gifts of nature. I should be an actor who is natural, simple, and authentic, like the wild mustard greens and Malan heads. Any pretense or affectation is not good acting. The highest of any art is . "High mountains are to be admired, and the path is to be followed. Though I may not reach it, my heart yearns for it." Perhaps, I may never reach such a in my lifetime, but I should keep striving toward it, getting closer and closer.
My initial dream was to become a kindergarten teacher when I grew up. From a young age, I loved playing "house" with a group of younger girls, directing them into various roles like a director. I often set up a small blackboard under the big poplar tree in front of my house, gathered the girls, and taught them to recognize characters. Later, my sister fulfilled my childhood dream; she is now a primary school teacher. However, I surprised my entire family when I was destined to take a path no one had thought of, becoming a professional film and television actress. At first, my family did not support me in this path, especially my mother, who strongly opposed me pursuing my current career. As a result, at the turning point of my fate, I had three major conflicts with my mother, and I will write about them in detail later.
In my mother's eyes, I was never a well-behaved girl but more like a little boy. I told you that I was a mischievous "Little Black Hair," and the only "good deed" I did was picking wild vegetables for the family. Most of the time, I was causing trouble outside. I and my several cousins set up roadblocks on the highway in front of my house, climbed trees to catch cicadas, wore only underwear and shorts, went down to the riverbank to dig snails, and dug for crabs by the paddy fields. In short, I did everything boys did. I remember there was a time when I and my cousins often stole vegetables from our neighbors' fields—chicken feathers, cucumbers, eggplants—and even sold the stolen vegetables on the street. Back then, I was like a laborer's girl, a little vegetable vendor, standing on the bustling street, but I dared not shout loudly, so naturally, I couldn't sell anything. I couldn't take the vegetables home either, so I returned them to the neighbors, calling it "returning the favor." My mother rarely beat my sister but often beat me. She said I was like a boy and too mischievous. They treated me like a boy from a young age. I often got into trouble and caused disturbances outside. Once, I was playing war with a girl named Zhu from the neighborhood. We started by throwing sand and mud, then moved on to hitting each other with coal bricks. In the end, I broke her head, and she started bleeding. I was scared and quickly ran home, hiding under a small iron bed, like an ostrich with its little buttocks tucked in, thinking no one would find me. When my mother came home, she dragged me out of the bed and gave me a good beating, then took me to Zhu's house to apologize. But I didn't learn my lesson and continued to cause trouble outside. I was like a "king of children" or a "female tyrant," often taking several little boys with me to run and play on the railway line hundreds of meters away from my house. I watched trains roar from afar and then thunderously race toward the horizon. I thought traveling by train was a very interesting thing. I longed for the day when I could board the train in front of my house and let it take me to distant places, to the ends of the earth, to my dream world.
The first time I cut my long hair, I styled it like the hairstyle of Hikaru in "Blood." I hoped to get leukemia like Hikaru so that someone would take care of me and I could find love. It seemed like getting leukemia was a fashionable thing. I wore Hikaru's popular dress and even used a ballpoint pen to mark my wrist like Hikaru in the TV show, telling everyone I had leukemia. I completely immersed myself in the role of Hikaru and even took a photo of myself in that era, imitating Hikaru's demeanor. That might have been my first performance, my first rehearsal for entering the acting profession. Like many girls of that era, I made a collection album of celebrities who were popular in society. I collected photos of stars like Tony Leung Chiu-wai, Andy Lau, Maggie Cheung, and Brigitte Lin, pasting them into my collection album and writing my comments and praise for them. I longed for the day when I could become a star in my collection album.
I lived in the suburbs of Shanghai in the Wusong area. Although there were small bridges, flowing water, and large rivers, as well as mulberry and jujube trees, there was no so-called artistic atmosphere, no soil or environment where a modern film and television star could be born. As I mentioned earlier, my family and home were such that none of them were involved in the arts. Therefore, in my family, there were no conditions for a film and television star to be born. My main guardian—my mother—was like any ordinary family in Shanghai, nurturing and raising her two daughters according to her own wishes and ideals. My sister and I grew more and more adorable, especially my sister, who became a cultural in school. When I was young, she was always better than me in everything. Every time there was a cultural performance at school, she performed on stage and even served as an MC. Whenever I saw her on stage, dressed in white clothes and a white dress, serving as an MC, I felt extremely proud and would tell my classmates, "This is my sister. Do you have such a good sister?" At that time, I dreamed of the day when I could wear a white dress and stand on stage, receiving attention from my sister and classmates.
At that time, I often sat alone at my desk, lost in my own beautiful and ethereal fantasies. In this meditation and fantasy, I would become a dazzling superstar like Yoko Kanno, a swan soaring in the sky, or a proud and beautiful princess. I was indeed becoming more and more beautiful day by day and began to attract more and more attention from the boys in my class. They privately made comments about me but none dared to approach me or provoke me. After I started to develop, I never spoke to the boys. I was not an early-maturing girl who liked to attract attention. On the contrary, I was a "Joan of Arc" who tied her developing breasts with a red scarf, invulnerable to the advances of boys. My "righteous indignation" in front of them made them step back in fear. But at the time, I was also a very beautiful girl in class, so these annoying unruly boys were not willing to give up. I remember one time, perhaps I was sitting alone at my desk lost in my daydreams, and a few boys were pointing and poking me behind me, as if saying, "Who dares to talk to Chi Huaqiong? Who dares to flirt with her?" After some discussion, one of them emerged as a "Don Juan" and, gathering courage, walked over to sit beside me. I didn't want to pay attention to him, so I maintained a proper posture on the surface and remained lost in my fantasy. He made a few jokes, but seeing no reaction, he grew bored and tried to touch me. At that moment, I suddenly reached out and slapped him hard across the face. The boy was stunned, then covered his face and ran away, very embarrassed. The other classmates in the classroom were also shocked. They didn't expect my reaction to be so intense, so unfeeling. Not long after, the boys in my class gave me the nickname "Ice Beauty."
Actually, I was not the "Ice Beauty" they called me. They didn't understand me, just like my family didn't understand me. They didn't understand my inner world. I had my own dreams, my own world I longed for—it was far, high, and beautiful. But where exactly was it, I wasn't quite sure. I was in a phase of confusion and uncertainty. I was different from the people around me. I had a charming dream. Just as the Czech writer Milan Kundera wrote a book called "Living in Another Place." Perhaps, I was a person who lived in another place.