Student Mental Health Counseling Manual: Family Clinic

Author: Deng Xianli et al. / Country:
Publisher:
Publishing Date: 2004-05-01
Features: Due to various reasons, single-parent families are increasing in society. Tian Tian lives in a single-parent family. Children in single-parent families lack either paternal or maternal love, making them more prone to loneliness compared to children in intact families, which can lead to an introverted personality. In this case, Tian Tian's mother, after the divorce, spends little time with her child due to work reasons, and this situation has a very negative impact on Tian Tian. Tian Tian has already lost the love and companionship of her father and lacks sufficient maternal love as compensation, making her emotional needs unmet and her mood inevitably low. Additionally, without timely help, eventually leads to Tian Tian's personality changes after her parents' divorce, transforming from an originally cheerful and lively child into an introverted and lonely one. Besides this case, other single-parent families may also be affected by various issues, hindering the healthy growth of their children. For example, parents may have hostile relationships before or after divorce, engage in mutual slander, or be so heartbroken that they neglect their children's feelings. Psychological research shows that parents' divorce is one of the main stressors in children's lives, so it is hoped that all divorced or divorcing parents will do their best to minimize the harm to their children. As for Tian Tian in this case, his mother needs to make more effort to possibly change his introverted personality. It is recommended that Tian Tian's mother take the following measures: try to increase the frequency and quality of emotional exchanges with Tian Tian, and spend more time accompanying him. If work is indeed too busy, she should also let Tian Tian feel her love through calls, messages, and other means, making it seem as if her love is always present and everywhere. Additionally, whenever there is an opportunity to spend time with Tian Tian, she should encourage him to share his thoughts and experiences with her, ensuring mutual understanding and support between mother and son. Besides this, she can also fully utilize the class collective and Tian Tian's father to care for him, allowing smiles and happiness to return to Tian Tian's life.
Misunderstandings among classmates are very common. Some minor misunderstandings may only temporarily upset others but are soon forgotten, while others can cause significant harm to the parties involved. Moreover, middle school students at this stage place great importance on friendships, where secrets are shared among friends. However, friendships are based on certain principles, such as confidentiality. If these principles are violated, the trust that underpins friendships is lost. Therefore, if Meng Yun's problem is not resolved properly, it will certainly cause significant harm to her relationships with classmates and her reputation. However, her parents likely did not expect such serious consequences, which is why Meng Yun says, "You don’t understand!" But in reality, the misunderstanding Meng Yun faces is the result of her desk mate's baseless speculation, without any actual evidence. For such misunderstandings, parents can:
1. Encourage Meng Yun to face the situation calmly. Since the incident was not her fault, the truth will eventually come to light—it's just a matter of time. After a misunderstanding occurs, it's advisable to remain calm. Even if she is extremely upset now, it won’t change anything. Instead, she can engage in activities to relax and vent her emotions. Parents can also accompany her in activities she enjoys, putting the matter aside for now.
2. Identify the cause and find a solution. Based on a calm and composed attitude, think about the reasons behind the misunderstanding and find a solution. The root of this misunderstanding is a false assumption. If the facts are presented clearly, the misunderstanding will naturally dissipate. Meng Yun can calmly talk with her desk mate, discuss the situation that day, and analyze whether others knew about it or overheard their conversation. If the issue cannot be resolved through peaceful negotiation, she can seek the teacher's help to investigate. The actual resolution of this case was that Meng Yun had a calm conversation with her desk mate the next day, analyzed the situation, and together they identified the cause—it turned out that they hadn’t noticed a boy behind them when they were talking, and it was him who spread the word. After the truth came to light, her desk mate apologized, and the misunderstanding naturally resolved.
Case 73: The Son Who Doesn’t Want to Get into Trouble
17-year-old Xiao Ming is becoming increasingly cynical. He is dissatisfied with his father’s smoking and laziness, and with his mother’s constant chores and nagging. No one in the family seems to provoke him, yet he erupts into anger for no reason, breaking things and speaking harshly. We all try to be careful not to upset him. Part of the reason for this problem may be due to the unique stage of adolescent cognitive development, which lies between childhood and adulthood. At this stage, teenagers neither have the firm opinions and stances of young children nor the flexibility and multi-angle perspectives of adults. They measure right and wrong by their own standards, often appearing stubborn or extreme. When they see their mother cooking and doing chores all day while their father smokes and lounges, they may be angry at their mother’s willingness to work but also angry at their father’s lack of consideration. In their eyes, they only see their mother cooking and their father not doing so, ignoring factors like household division of labor and family habits. Additionally, children at this age are developing their own views and ideas, and they want their thoughts to be unique and correct in every situation, which makes them enjoy arguing and being stubborn, speaking without restraint. This is a cognitive reason.
Another possible cause is the emotional turmoil of adolescence. Hormonal changes greatly affect emotions. During this stage, as facial hair grows, tempers also flare, and even small things can provoke them. They are easily agitated, and boys may have more violent tendencies, while girls may become more emotionally sensitive. Therefore, parents of teenagers often feel frustrated and helpless. As parents, you must accept your son’s unreasonable behavior with a broad-minded heart, as they are undergoing significant changes and their inner turmoil is just as intense. Try to avoid direct conflicts with them and choose a calmer moment to talk about your feelings—not to blame, but to explain how you feel when he loses his temper. For example, "I feel like I’m about to explode," "I feel embarrassed," or "I feel very confused and want to know what’s wrong with my son." Regardless of their behavior, they must know that while parents don’t enjoy being their emotional outlet, they will not reject them. The parents’ arms are always open to them.
Case 74: Everything Feels Boring
My son has entered middle school but is becoming lazier and lazier. He loves sleeping, has no interest in studying, dislikes exercise, and seems listless about everything. On weekends, when I suggest taking him swimming or visiting World Park, he just says, "It’s boring." I ask, "What do you find interesting?" He shakes his head and says, "Nothing is interesting." We parents are very worried—how can we get him to be more active?
Your son’s increasing laziness may be due to his rapid physical development. Teenagers feel tired during this period because their bodies require a lot of energy to grow, leaving less energy for activities. However, please rest assured that this phase won’t last long. Once it passes, he will enter a period of his life with the most energy. So, please look forward to your son’s transformation from a boy to a man in a short time. This is just one aspect of this transition, and he will need your understanding, support, and assistance to complete this physical transition.
You need to tolerate your son’s increased sleep. A 12- or 13-year-old child needs more rest than a 9- or 10-year-old. You might be surprised, but it’s true. The reason is simple: they need to accumulate enough energy to fuel their rapidly growing bodies.
Your son has moved past the toddler stage. After being in the world for over a decade, he may say life is meaningless for two reasons: first, he may feel physically exhausted and lack the energy to cheer, explore, or discover; second, his life may have become monotonous, suppressing his curiosity. Constant lessons focused solely on studying can make a child numb to the outside world, lose their precious curiosity, and find it difficult to regain it.
Additionally, easily satisfying children’s material demands—giving them whatever they want—can also make them lose interest in life. Without significant surprises, they cannot be motivated. In the world, ordinary things are the majority, and extraordinary things in the ordinary are not easily attainable by children. When children are accustomed to being given things, they lose the motivation to explore on their own. Therefore, excessive material satisfaction is not beneficial for developing a child’s interest in life.
If your son wants to sleep and doesn’t want to do other things that seem interesting to you, let him. After he has had enough sleep, you can talk about some interesting things, and it might help. Don’t hurry—be patient and wait for him to return to his energetic self. Don’t put too much pressure on him in his studies. Talk to him about other things, such as news, celebrities, or his classmates. Regardless of what he says, you must remain a positive person in life, and let your emotions influence him.
The family should be a place where children can fully express themselves. As children grow, they develop their own values and opinions, and the family should provide a democratic space for them to voice their thoughts. Parents can persuade children through discussion or debate rather than using authoritarian methods to suppress them. If everything they do must conform to their parents’ standards, children will feel uncomfortable at home and may even want to leave—a common reason why many children dislike their families. In reality, most children may have thought about running away. This is their desire to assert their independence and prove their ability to survive, as well as their unwillingness to be controlled by their parents and their desire to express their will. However, true runaway situations are not very common unless the conflict between the two sides becomes irreparable.