Hesitation - (Illustrated Edition)

Author: Lu Xun / Country: Mainland China
Publisher:
Publish Date: 1979-12-01
Features: I often saw things that I hoped would not come true, but they always did, so I was very afraid this might happen too. Indeed, unusual circumstances began. In the evening, I unexpectedly heard some people talking in the inner room, as if discussing something, but soon the voices stopped. Only Uncle Si walked by and said loudly, "Not early, not late, it had to be at this moment—this shows he is a miscreant!" At first, I was surprised, then very uneasy, as if his words were somehow related to me. I looked outside, but no one was there. Finally, when the short laborer came to serve tea before dinner, I got a chance to inquire about the news.
"Who was Fourth Uncle angry with just now?" I asked.
"None other than Xiang Linbu?" the laborer replied briefly.
"Xiang Linbu? What happened?" I asked again quickly.
"Old."
"Dead?" My heart suddenly tightened, and I nearly jumped up. My face must have changed color too. But he never looked up, so I didn’t notice. I calmed myself and asked, "When did she die?"
"When?—Last night, or maybe today. I’m not sure."
"How did she die?"
"How did she die?—Not by anything else, but by poverty." He replied calmly, still not looking at me, and left.
However, my alarm was only temporary. As I realized the event had passed, I no longer needed the comfort of my "not knowing" or his so-called "death by poverty" to ease my mind. My heart gradually relaxed, though occasionally, I still felt a sense of guilt. Dinner was served, and Uncle Si sat there solemnly. I still wanted to learn more about Xiang Linbu, but I knew he had studied the saying, "The spirits of the dead are the perfect manifestation of yin and yang," yet he had many superstitions. Near the time of the New Year’s blessings, it was absolutely forbidden to mention death or illness. If it was unavoidable, one had to use a euphemism, but I didn’t know any, so I repeatedly tried to ask but gave up in the end.
From his solemn expression, I suddenly suspected he thought I had come at the most inopportune time to bother him, and that I too was a miscreant. I immediately told him I would leave Lucheng tomorrow and go into the city, which relieved him. He didn’t press me to stay. We had a gloomy meal. Winter days are short, and it was snowing, so darkness had already enveloped the entire town. People hurried about under the lights, but outside was very quiet. Snow fell on the thick layer of snow, sounding like rustling, which made the silence even more profound.
I sat alone under the yellow glow of a rapeseed oil lamp, thinking. This aimless Xiang Linbu, who had been discarded like dust and straw, a worn-out plaything people had grown tired of, had once left her body exposed to the filth. From the perspective of those who lived a more meaningful life, they might wonder why she still existed. Now, at last, she had been swept clean by the ever-present fate. Whether souls exist or not, I don’t know. But in this world, the aimless do not live, and those who find them tiresome do not see them. For others and for oneself, it is still quite alright.
I listened to the sound of snowflakes rustling outside, and as I thought, I gradually felt at ease. Yet the fragments of her life I had seen and heard earlier now formed a complete picture.
P4-P6