Marital Troubles - Li Zixun Decoding the Psychological Code of Marriage

Author: Li Zixun
Publisher:
Publish Date: 2006-06-01
Features: Host: Welcome to "News Interview Room." To start, I'd like to ask you a question—what do you think marriage is? I believe this is a question with ten different answers from ten different people, whether they're single, married, or have no intention of getting married. Marriage is something we can't help but think about and face. If there are issues in a marriage, what should we do? Today, we have invited psychologist Li Zixun.
Host: Hello, did you start focusing on psychological issues in marriage in 1990?
Li Zixun: Because many people who come for counseling have marriage-related problems.
Host: So your attention is more focused on this area?
Li Zixun: Indeed, I've given it a lot of thought.
Host: You've thought deeply and researched a lot about marriage and family issues. Can we assume that someone who understands marriage and family so well would definitely be happy if they got married?
Li Zixun: Not necessarily! Knowing too much about marriage can make someone have fewer expectations for it. While a harmonious life is easier to achieve, the joy, passion, and enjoyment in marriage may decrease correspondingly.
Host: Should we pursue passion and intense joy in marriage, or should we prioritize stability and security?
Li Zixun: Actually, from a psychological perspective, marriage is a deep need for belonging. Marriage is not equal to love. Love is like a seed planted in the ground. If both parties work hard to nurture it, the seed will grow, and the fruit it bears is marriage. But the fruit (marriage) is not the same as the seed (love); it's more than just the seed. Therefore, love alone is not enough—marriage is also a way of survival.
Host: So love is just a starting point. How much does people's understanding of marriage itself affect their actual behavior in marriage?
Li Zixun: It's quite significant! Under different cultural frameworks, our interpretations of marriage vary. Our feelings about marriage come from the concepts we hold in our minds. If psychologists are to explain it, love is not between two people—it's about oneself.
Host: Oneself?
Li Zixun: For example, in Xu Jinglei's movie "A Letter from an Unknown Woman."
Host: "I love you" has nothing to do with you?
Li Zixun: Exactly. If you don't have the ability to love in your heart, no matter who you're with, no matter how much the other person cares about you, you won't feel love.
Host: If you have the ability to love, but they ignore me, can I still love them?
Li Zixun: It's simple. Look at those "fans" who love Jay Chou or someone else. As long as they know they're singing, living, see their photos, or listen to their music, they feel happy. "Fans" are just observing—this attention has nothing to do with the person they're following. When we love others, we feel joy in our hearts, feel that our lives have meaning, and feel that we're living purposefully. So it's the same with marriage. If a woman or a man loves their partner and feels happiness, but then doubts them, thinks they don't love them, or believes they love someone else, that feeling disappears, and they lose it.
Host: Your definition of marriage has always been that it's not about good or bad, just about whether the two are compatible? Or has the times evolved to the point where there are all kinds of marriage situations now? Is there an explanation that helps people accept their own marriages more easily?
Li Zixun: Around 1990, I researched a survey on marital happiness in California, USA, and found that it proposed several criteria for measuring marital happiness, but love wasn't one of them. It didn't ask if you love your husband or if your husband loves you.
Host: Love isn't a metric?
Li Zixun: It's not a metric because it's hard to describe consistently. Love is an internal thing. If you believe a man loves you, you can see it in his actions. But if you think he doesn't love you, you'll read it into every action he takes—it's a reflection of your own inner world.
Host: In marriage, like the metrics you mentioned earlier, love isn't one of them. What are some of the other metrics?