Shameless Wretches

Author: Marguerite Duras (France)
Publisher:
Publish Date: 2006-05-01
Features: She walks away to lie down, but she can't sleep tonight. Her mother calms down slightly, pacing, opening her luggage, and searching through it. She occasionally tiptoes into the bedroom, opens the closet, searches, and organizes. tireless as ever, she begins her mysterious indoor wandering again, coming over once more. People are accustomed to her nighttime activities and are not disturbed. She listens to her movements, in the silence, every action of hers holds a special value: patience and persistent passion. She feels lonely, no longer hoping for anything beyond what she already knows. Soon she will return to Urdreng to marry, and then go to George's house in Bordeaux. She only returns to Urdreng during holidays, which is enough, since the hatred of the Peckeres family for them and the contempt of the farmers for them will remain there. George works with her father, and their life lacks order, sometimes disciplined, sometimes reckless. She is unclear about what position she will hold in his life. She has talked to her mother, and she confirms that there is no other solution in such a clear situation, and it is at this moment that her life begins. Perhaps George has been waiting for her? That morning when they parted, he looked calm, almost satisfied. They probably no longer love each other. The thought of going back, the thought of forcing him to marry her, makes her face flush. How dare she appear before him? But she cannot stay. Her mother has chosen to leave her, and in her heart, the separation is already complete. Tonight, her mother's sympathetic and gentle conversation makes her realize this. She will probably leave this week, as soon as possible. In any case, her time here is meaningless. If it weren't for Jacques, her mother might keep her. In any case, her mother will not abandon her so quickly, as if unconsciously shedding a burden. Her mother continues to create a vacuum around the eldest son, until after fulfilling her responsibilities to the other children, only this son remains to love her wholeheartedly. She does not blame her mother; she keeps thinking of her brother, she hates him, and truly wishes she could choke him from afar with her hatred. She feels him pressing close to her, fate against fate. They are tightly bound together like two victims, intertwined. She is helpless. Everything he does wrong, she feels as if she did it herself. He drove her away, and thus she suffered misfortune. Perhaps he did it deliberately, just as her mother did in the two weeks she was gone, trying to isolate her together with him. The thought of her brother brings her an extraordinary pain, not too severe, but unbearable, like a boil twitching inside her. "So he wants to trade Urdreng for a life annuity? Maybe Peckeres has already paid? Mom, this madwoman, just lets him do as he pleases." Her mother, how weak! Now she sees clearly that her mother has changed, weak, lacking willpower, becoming someone as fragile as a walnut shell. Trivial. It is Jacques who makes her trivial day by day. She imagined Jacques was bad when she was very young, but only in a natural, childish way. Now she understands that it is not an innate quality, like bravery or loyalty. Jacques' badness is against nature. He dislikes goodness from the start and carefully avoids it. He dares not become good, because any beginning, even a new attitude, is as dry and desolate as dawn. Therefore, he believes that goodness is a step-by-step sinking into evil, striking harder each day at Tarné, Mau, and her mother, who is in his hands. His life has gained singularity and strength. He has won, and become stronger. Therefore, any happy thing displeases him. Think carefully, and you will be chilled to the bone. The bell roused Mau from her numbness. She heard her mother walking toward the front door. Mau listened intently. A curiosity made her sit up in bed, and also a hope that her mother would talk to him. Perhaps this was the beginning of a very serious and terrible disaster that would overshadow everything else for a while. She was mad, she believed this, even thinking that such a surprising good thing could happen—she was truly mad. Her brother's loud voice echoed in the hallway. He always startled everyone when he came home, and didn't care at all. Yet when he slept, it was silent around him! Yes, this voice brought her back to the past. Every night, this voice announced the cold moment of dawn. Jacques shouted loudly to his mother, "You're not asleep yet, what's going on?" "Don't call, don't call, please. The police came looking for you while we were away" Silence, then, "What nonsense are you talking about?" Madame Tarné repeated what she had just said. Jacques had probably drunk alcohol, his voice was thick and mumbled, as if he had just woken up. Mau quickly lost interest. Perhaps their voices were very low, very low. Then, Jacques suddenly spoke roughly, "Hmph! They came? When? How many times? Tell me, damn it!" "That's for you to tell me, child" "It was Tavares. Just act dead." "Did you sign?... How much?" "Fifty thousand, but I tell you to just act dead. They can't punish me for a few bills... Besides, this is an old matter, do you remember?" Mau lay down on the bed again. From her brother's tone, she understood there was no real danger. Nothing out of the ordinary. No, only Tavares, whom she knew, and her brother would always find a way to deal with him. Life would continue its hellish journey. They walked into the dining room. Fragments of their conversation occasionally reached Mau's ears. "You're still crying like this?" "Oh, I'm so scared, child. Why are you doing this?" "It's for Mériel. I wanted to tell you, but you don't know me yet? I'd rather starve than ask for money. There's nothing I can do, I'm like this!" He gradually regained his composure and became more animated. Mau deeply felt that every word of his was a disgrace. Just hearing his voice made her feel like she was changing. She hadn't heard his voice in a long time. He was still pacing, repeating his old lies, his vulgar exaggerations. He was playing a new role in his mother's eyes, making her think he was bolder and more courageous. Hmph! He really had astonishing courage! "People don't understand me. Notice I don't mean you! I've always told you: You're a saint. But they" "What are you going to do?" "Of course, the best thing is to pay back the money. I'm not a bad guy. After all, forged documents aren't my specialty. I rely on the identity of Mériel's husband" He sensed the smell of the fifty thousand francs in his mother's hands, which she had taken from Peckeres the day before. "She won't say anything," Mau thought, "She won't tell him what they will lose because of my fault." Indeed, Madame Tarné allowed him to make futile efforts to approach her. Perhaps she had forgotten herself that the money was what she owed. "Of course, I tell you, the best thing is to pay back the money. I'll have to start working again, I'll pay it back. It will take ten years, but I'll succeed." However, her mother insisted on not taking the money. Only those who don't know her (which he knew) would think she would directly decide not to return the money to Peckeres. But she let things develop naturally until she had no choice but to give in. "This isn't the only trouble I've encountered. If you knew how many times I've escaped, you'd be amazed, dear mother, amazed." Of course, she would never be so naive as to give him what he wanted today. But one night, when they were alone, completely alone, she would quickly take the money from the closet, from between the two bedsheets, and give it to him silently. Time would pass from the Peckeres family, their images already beginning to blur. And they, the Grand family, lived in reality. They were like this, whispering until dawn. Her mother allowed him to fool her, after all, she was happy, for these intimate words brought her closer to her son. Mau didn't sleep. She no longer listened. She waited for the morning to leave. When the first rays of sunlight dispelled the darkness, she got up. Then she stood foolishly in the center of the bedroom, motionless. She knew what would happen before she left for Urdreng. It had already happened to her, in her mind. Her thoughts were gradually familiarizing themselves with it, nurturing it, making it clear. Then she felt it outside her, small but vivid and focused, like a bird's eye, motionless and fixed on her. The door to the dining room opened. Jacques yawned, "They're sleeping. Anyway, the best thing is not to tell them anything, not even the old man. Especially not the little girl. You can say what you think, now that I've made up my mind about her. I know women. Luckily, she's leaving soon" They went to the kitchen. "Come on," her mother said, "I'm not sleeping now. It's too late, I'll make some coffee." Mau slipped into the kitchen before them and waited there. When they saw her, they stopped in shock at the door. They didn't dare come in, feeling a faint fear. Madame Tarné tried to smile. "You're crazy, poor daughter. What are you doing here?" Jacques stepped forward firmly, his face pale, his sudden anger distorting his features. "What are you doing here? Let me, mother" To be honest, Mau didn't know what she was doing here. She only guessed she was provoking Jacques, with all her simple weakness, all her suffering, even the desire for murder, as if she had unintentionally and innocently hurt an harmless animal, and now wanted to kill it. She looked at her brother, so pale in the morning light, frowning. He searched around for something to crush the girl's head. "You're spying on us, are you? Hmph! If I don't restrain myself! You're lucky" He slowly and painfully lowered his arm, the posture clearly showing how much it pained him not to hit her. Madame Tarné spoke incoherently for a moment. Her face flushed, clearly ashamed of her intimate and clumsy complicity with her son. Hmph! This Mau, she was pregnant, yes, pregnant like a prostitute, wasn't that enough! How unfair! She had just tasted a little happiness! She shouted, "Go to sleep, hear? You're a dirty thing, a dirty thing! Give this chair to your brother" They heard Henri stretch and yawn in the next room. Mau stood up and gave the chair to her brother. Then she turned around and quietly closed the door behind her, almost without making a sound. P212-220