You are on the plateau

Author: Zhang Wei
Publisher:
Publish Date: 2002-05-01
Features: "For more than a whole year, I almost didn’t leave the vineyard for a step. To bring it back to life, all of us gave everything we could." Author Zhang Wei rewrote this novel multiple times over a decade for a dream that refused to die: "The High Plateau of the Heart"—this is not some obsession, but a spiritual destination. Excerpt: "Blood remembers that day we all gathered to have dinner together. None of us expected Gu E to come back so early. The sun had not fully set, and the vineyard was bathed in the dim twilight. Suddenly, Ban Hu trembled beside the dining table, then pursed his lips and lifted his head. He must have sensed something. With a howl, he dashed out, shooting like an arrow into the depths of the garden. We saw him howling along the way, heading south, then turning west, disappearing into the thicket. I felt something was wrong. Guizi Fourth Brother immediately picked up his shotgun and we ran out together. We ran toward where Ban Hu was barking. Ban Hu was howling there, followed by a whimpering cry. As we ran, we called out to him. We heard a girl’s suppressed sobbing, and I immediately shouted in my heart, ‘Gu E!’ My heart seemed to stop suddenly. I sensed something had happened. It’s over. Something must have happened. Guizi Fourth Brother ran with a limp, as if supporting each other. Gu E and Ban Hu were together. What I saw was Gu E’s arm, covered in bloodstains, tightly embracing Ban Hu’s neck. Ban Hu snuffled, letting out those sobbing sounds. Gu E saw us and burst into tears—her hair and clothes were all torn. Bloodstained hair clung to her. From the prints on the ground, she had crawled a very long way. I didn’t ask anything, only followed the traces with Fourth Brother. Under an oak tree, we found blood and the large tracks of paws we had seen in the vineyard. There were hairs and Gu E’s hair clips on the ground. No doubt, that vicious wolf had returned and struck first. Guizi Fourth Brother roared, glanced at the dimming sky, and ducked into the thicket. We all knew that person wouldn’t run far. Xiangling and Xiao Mingzi also arrived, comforting Gu E. Fourth Brother called Ban Hu from the forest. We searched everywhere in the thicket together. Like Ban Hu, Fourth Brother lay flat on the ground, utterly silent. Crows cawed wildly, and old wild chickens made clucking sounds. Nothing. But we all believed the wolf wouldn’t get far. He must have climbed a tree or burrowed into the grass. We searched until midnight, our hands and feet scratched by thorns. Later, we had no choice but to return hopelessly. Back at the hut, I saw Gu E gritting her teeth, her lips turning blue. I called her name, but she didn’t respond. So I decided not to ask anything, only let Xiangling take care of her. Xiangling washed her hair, removing the blood and dust from her body. The next day arrived. I didn’t sleep all night. I heard Guizi Fourth Brother moving around in the next room all night too. My eyes were bloodshot, my stubble had grown long overnight, and my wrinkles deepened. Xiangling stayed with Gu E the whole night. I called her out of the room. Xiangling wiped her eyes and shut Fourth Brother out. She said, "It’s also the child’s own fault. She should have let her father bring her in. But she always sent her father away far from the vineyard. As soon as her father left, that vicious wolf struck. You know that wolf had been stalking them for a long time. Alas, little Gu E bit him, tore him, said she tore him all over. But you know that was a vicious wolf. This time he succeeded. Gu E said she won’t live anymore, she really won’t. I persuaded her all night. Ning Jia, she’ll listen to you—go over, go see her. It’s such a sin." Xiangling cried until she had no voice left. I walked into Gu E’s room. Guizi Fourth Brother stood at the door, holding his shotgun like a guard, pacing back and forth. I closed the door. Gu E immediately called out, "Brother Ning Jia." I held her clenched fists in my hands, looking at the tiny cuts on them. The blood had already clotted. She had several wounds on her face, but only one deep one was still bleeding. Gu E pulled her hand out of my grasp, trying to protect her face, her puffy forehead. I took her hand away. She pulled my hand away, crying, biting her lower lip until it bled. I stopped her, but didn’t know what to say. "Brother Ning Jia, I’m going home now, I’m leaving the vineyard." "How can you leave the vineyard? You know you’ve only been injured—everyone gets hurt. You’ll be fine once you’re healed." "I’ll never heal from this. Let me go, you don’t know that I’ll go home as soon as I can walk and never see you again, Brother Ning Jia." How can I comfort this little girl? I knew what she was thinking. She was already grown up. In the end, I had to tell her: Don’t think so badly, let everything go. You’ll be the same as before. Get better quickly, the vineyard is waiting for you to work." Gu E’s tears flowed so freely that she reached out and hugged my neck, then climbed onto the kang, resting her heavy forehead against my chest, just like before, looking at me. Her small body trembled, crying so hard. How can I comfort her? "Good Gu E, don’t cry anymore, don’t cry anymore." "Brother Ning Jia, Brother Ning Jia!" Her head pressed hard against my clothes. This beautiful, the most beautiful and weakest Gu E, I comforted her. "Good Gu E, you know everything will be fine, no one will forget you or abandon you." "Will you be the same as before?"—tears froze at the corners of her eyes. She suddenly asked that. I said, "I will." "Will you come back even if you go far, far away?" I nodded. "Will you keep growing grapes here?" "Yes, I will." Gu E fell silent. Suddenly she embraced me tightly. Her puffy forehead pressed against my chest. Later, she whimpered and cried, "Brother Ning Jia, I don’t believe anything anymore, but I believe you, even if I’m wrong." I straightened her up. I felt everything was clear. I had never felt so much pity for this beautiful, wronged girl. I really wanted to hold her tightly in my arms, like I did with little Ning, wrapping her in my embrace. I felt her like a little rabbit, wriggling against my chest, trembling gently. I soothed her injured, puffy forehead, noticing how soft and warm her skin was—how good her forehead was. I comforted her for a long time. "Brother Ning Jia, you’ll never leave. If you leave, I might die." "'Gu E,' I won’t leave. You must eat well and drink well. When you can walk, we’ll go to the vineyard to work together, okay?" She nodded. A week passed, and finally Gu E could stand up and walk. But she became quiet and reserved from then on. I encouraged her to go to the vineyard and work with everyone. Days passed. Guizi Fourth Brother grew even thinner, silent all day. He always carried his shotgun, going to the gardening site and the villages without a word. He was searching for someone. He told me that a major part of his life was to find that person. His thoughts were almost the same as mine. For almost forty days, I focused on the search. I could almost smell the person’s presence. I searched and searched, the desire for revenge making me restless, sometimes not touching the hut for days. I asked countless people about that person’s whereabouts, and their fingers led me far, far away. Day after day passed. The grapevines grew wildly. Rainwater was abundant, sunlight intense, and the grapes grew rapidly. They slowly formed clusters. "Gu E" recovered her health, her face turning red and dark again. Xiao Mingzi had grown up and wanted to deliberately make her laugh, to play with her. Luo Ling and Xiao Xiao also often came to our vineyard. Both Ning Jia and Guizi Fourth Brother breathed a sigh of relief. Only Xiangling occasionally reminded me of that day’s scene. She said to me, "You can’t abandon this child, you can’t abandon our vineyard." Yes. But I felt something faint stirring in my heart. I knew I would search for that person, and I seemed to have a specific goal. I understood I had to leave the vineyard for a while—a great sense of frustration—no, something worse than frustration gripped me. I couldn’t escape it, nor could I let it break me. I just wanted to leave, leave, I just wanted to wander and meditate in an unknown, distant place. But this was truly just a departure. I would return as scheduled, I would return as scheduled. I told Guizi Fourth Brother this, and he nodded, "Go. I know you should go too." I won’t forget, it was this spring—not just "Gu E," but all of us—were deeply, deeply hurt. I seemed to see our vineyard collapse in an irreparable disaster. I watered it drop by drop, and every grapevine I touched with my hands was wilting. I shed tears in secret, but no one knew my pain. I saw that the hot summer was coming, that the grape clusters were growing day by day. They awaited nurturing, like full breasts. Xiao Xiao spent more time in the garden talking with "Gu E" and me. She also mentioned starting a magazine. I knew she wanted to use this topic to attract me, but it wasn’t enough anymore. I told her I wanted to go out for a walk, because I wanted to return during the grape harvest season. I wanted to go out to search for a person, and also visit my friends along the way; and I wanted to go to the distant land. Let me go, let me go. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I had told "Gu E" many times that I would only go out once, that I would just go for a walk. "Gu E," with her timid eyes, looked at me: "Are you really going to come back soon?" I told her I would come back soon, very soon. "Brother Ning Jia, you must come back—come back soon." Yes, come back. But I couldn’t stay in the vineyard now. It felt like I had many things to do, many roads to travel. But I would definitely come back, I would.