Bronze Age Lizard War

Author: Xiao Shui
Publisher:
Publish Date: 2005-01-01
Features: On a bleak spring day, a team of wooden-wheeled carts and horses crosses the turbulent Central Plains, slowly moving eastward along the roaring Yellow River, like a black line wrinkled by the wind. Judging from the flags, the team came from the State of Jin. Jin was renowned for its vast territory and abundant talent, but its hegemonic power had recently declined and was defeated by the Southern State of Chu's King Zhuang in the "Battle of Bi" (read as "Bi").
Excerpt: On a bleak spring day, a team of wooden-wheeled carts and horses crosses the turbulent Central Plains, slowly moving eastward along the roaring Yellow River, like a black line wrinkled by the wind. Judging from the flags, the team came from the State of Jin. Jin was renowned for its vast territory and abundant talent, but its hegemonic power had recently declined and was defeated by the Southern State of Chu's King Zhuang in the "Battle of Bi" (read as "Bi"). To resist the invincible Chu, the Jin people felt their strength was insufficient, so they extended an olive branch, seeking cooperation with both the Eastern and Western states. They allied with Qi to resist the Southern Chu. It was foolish to fight Chu alone. Wise people usually brought an ally and pushed them to be cannon fodder. This team of carts heading to the Eastern State of Qi carried such a mission. In the middle of the convoy, a Jin envoy from a noble family sat majestically in the most splendid cart. His ancestors were terrorists during the era of Duke Chong'er, named Rui (read as "Xi Rui"), but after his grandfather's absence, they had all become revolutionaries. He himself was currently the Military Advisor General of the Upper Army of Jin, with a glorious record of the upper army's victory while the entire army was defeated in the "Battle of Bi." His name was Ke. But if this hero got off the cart, his flaws would immediately show: a hunchback! Short and stooped. As the cart traveled a thousand miles, it gradually entered the lush green forests of Shandong (at that time, Shandong had many forests, hence later known as "Qingzhou"). We shouldn't imagine them struggling through the wilderness; the feudal states of the Great Zhou Dynasty had well-maintained highways connecting them. Especially the section near Luoyang was extremely straight, described in the Book of Songs as "The Zhou road is as smooth as a grinding stone, as straight as an arrow shot far." Finally, they arrived beneath the green-shaded city of Linzi in Qi, where the Jin people were greeted with overly friendly hospitality. The ruler of Qi, Duke Jing of Qi, was the grandson of Duke Huan of Qi. His mother was in menopause and in a melancholic mood. Therefore, he, letting his mother hide behind a curtain to peek at the hunchback from Shanxi. Ke, hunchbacked, entered the hall and made his speech: "An envoy has traveled three thousand miles without hesitation, at the command of our ruler, to bring you a marvelous tidings. As everyone knows, the Southern Chu is watching with hungry eyes. In the 'Battle of Bi,' they defeated us Jin people, and now they are again seizing the opportunity to swallow the Central Plains. To prevent the destruction of civilization, our state has vowed to strive with all its might. Our state reigns supreme above the Yellow River, while your state dominates below it. If the two of us join forces and fight shoulder to shoulder, who else could possibly oppose us? Even the of the South would have to bow their heads in submission."
"Very well!" Duke Jing of Qi said somewhat distractedly, "But don't hurry with this matter. Please sit down, sir." So the likable Ke followed Duke Jing's, walked to a nearby table, and immediately caused a stir. It turned out that Duke Jing had arranged a very convincing Qi hunchback to follow him, mimicking him almost perfectly. The two walked one in front of the other, like a golden tortoise pushing a dung ball. The ministers couldn't help but cover their mouths and laugh. Behind the curtain, Duke Jing's mother, who was spying, was even more amazed by Ke's remarkable resemblance and said to her attendants, "Ha! This man, with a figure like a clay pot and dressed in a Jin Western-style suit, is truly handsome!"
"It's all because I didn't take care to supplement calcium when I was a child!" the attendant replied.
"——" The mother couldn't hold back her laughter.
"Who is that laughing so eerily?" Ke turned his head, struggling to see the source of the laughter over his hunchback.
It was that gentle turn of his head that made the mother laugh even harder.
The mother laughed out loud, and her menopausal symptoms were noticeably relieved, but Ke's flaws became apparent: "Why are you still laughing? This is a solemn occasion—how dare you laugh!" Ke was full of doubts in the hall, still puzzling over the situation!
"I'm sorry, apologies (), please look behind you!" Duke Jing stood up and laughed, apologizing, pointing to Ke's back, where a gathering of ugly people was.
Ke fainted on the spot, rolling his eyes and speechless.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, we just put on a little imitation show—this one looks like you, picked from a hundred, just a little joke. Just kidding! It's all in good fun, don't mind it."
But Ke had no sense of humor at all; it was a humiliation! A humiliation! He stood straight, raised his hands, and shouted: "A man can be killed but not humiliated! Waaah! How dare you treat a foreign government official like this!"
"Just kidding! Just kidding, why are you in such a hurry?"
"I, I, I! If you don't hand over the person who made this joke, I'll commit suicide right away. Every time I'm humiliated, I commit suicide on the spot—it's my habit!"
Ke turned red with anger and spoke incoherently.
"But that's my mother!"
"Ah? Really? Okay!"
Ke turned and yelled at the curtain with: "The mother of that person, I'll remember you!"
Then he bent down and left without a trace.
Someone behind called out, "Hey! Hey! Doctor, your shoes aren't on yet! They fell here." (One had to remove shoes when entering the hall.)
"I don't need them!"
Ke, furious, stormed out of the palace, taking the convoy and leaving Linzi. They crossed the Central Plains (now Henan Province) and crossed the Yellow River back to Shanxi.
He clenched his fists and roared at the Yellow River: "I will take revenge! Revenge! Revenge! Otherwise, I swear I won't cross the Yellow River again!"
The fierce and stubborn hunchback Ke, upon returning to the capital of Jin, Xiangcheng, declared to the ruler of Jin: "My lord, Qi has mocked the envoy of a great state, and I request that we launch an attack on Qi to avenge the humiliation of the righteous."
At that time, the ruler of Jin was Duke Jing of Jin, the grandson of Duke Wen of Jin, Chong'er.
"Revenge for personal grievances is unreasonable. Moreover, I originally asked you to ally with Qi to fight Chu—why are you fighting Qi first?"
"Now Duke Jing of Qi is arrogant to the extreme. We must punish him severely so that he will submit and join us in battle!"
Duke Jing was still hesitant, fearing that if he launched an attack, the Southern Chu would strike him in the back.
Truly, once bitten by a snake, ten years fear the well. Duke Jing still had lingering fears from the "Battle of Bi" five years earlier, when he was defeated by Chu.
However, soon after, the good news of King Zhuang of Chu's death spread. His son, King Gong of Chu, was busy mourning, and mourning periods usually did not involve military campaigns.
Duke Jing was overjoyed and readily approved Ke's battle plan.
With a hunchback, Ke leaped up and happily led the government army provided by Duke Jing and his own private army (the families of the had private troops in their fiefdoms), totaling eight hundred war chariots and seventy thousand soldiers. They set off from southern Shanxi (the State of Jin) at the dawn of the 6th century BC, charging into the Central Plains from the Loess Plateau.
When they arrived in the area of Miji Mountain in Shandong, near the southern suburbs of Jinan, the Jin army set up camp.
Legend has it that this was Lishan, where the great sage of the Eastern Yi people, Shun, once farmed, then known as Anzi.
The main force of the Qi army arrived and gathered here, forming a tense standoff with the Jin army.
In 589 BC, the year after King Zhuang of Chu died, the fourth battle of the Five Great Battles of the Spring and Autumn Period—the Battle of An between Qi and Jin—broke out.