Emotional Wound: A Report on Contemporary Chinese Marriage Issues

Author: Hu Jiamo / Country:
Publisher:
Publishing Date: 2004-03-01
Features: In early 2002, the Women's Federation of Henan Province forwarded to me a letter signed by Panpan, a middle-aged intellectual. She wrote, "My husband and I are a couple through thick and thin, and our son is 15 years old, smart and kind. Our little family was once very harmonious and happy. But ever since my husband had a mistress, everything changed. He became cold as ice towards me, and the family turned into a battlefield. Our son's academic performance has been declining, and our family is on the brink of collapse." Subsequently, I received more materials from various newspapers and magazines on marriage and family issues, some of which shocked me, while others made me weep. One piece of information from Chongqing: The head of labor and wages in a group company, Lin Bai, fell in love with a very sexy young woman. He bought a house and luxurious furniture to keep her as his mistress. One day, Lin Bai's wife discovered that her husband was "hiding a beauty in a golden house," which immediately led to domestic violence and divorce, shattering their family. Since I first saw these things, my mind has been restless. I had no intention of delving into others' suffering or exploring China's marriage problems, but recently, another heart-wrenching story came from the Gobi Desert in the northwest: A once-harmonious couple, where the husband became infatuated with a uniquely charming woman named Yuan Huihui, promising her 5,000 yuan in monthly living expenses in exchange for her full companionship. After their arrangement was successful, they often indulged in lustful affairs. Later, their secret was exposed. The fiercely tempered wife, after enduring countless family battles, one day seized her husband as he went to the kitchen, grabbed a kitchen knife she usually used for cooking, and suddenly swung it at him like raindrops. The husband fell to the ground in a pool of blood. Reading this, I was shocked, startled, and weighed down with sorrow! It felt as if my chest was filled with blood, tears, and grief! It compelled me to resolve to visit some cities and gather firsthand materials through interviews to write a book about contemporary Chinese marriage issues, hoping to raise my voice for more stable, fulfilling, and happy marriages in China as we move into the 21st century. I chose to focus on urban areas as a "platform" and write a book with marriage as the central theme because in the early 1980s, China experienced a shocking divorce peak. Although this peak period did not yet lead to a serious social problem like in the West, the recklessness in marriage, the of family values, and the rapid increase in divorce rates shocked not only domestic theorists but also Western sociologists. They expressed the same sentiment in unison: "What is going on? It seems it's not that we don't understand—it's that China is changing too fast!" The disintegration of many families has, to some extent, affected social stability, causing deep concern among countless kind-hearted Chinese people. From their sighs, I can hear, and I have always heard, the worries and hopes of the people. The people are a writer's bread and butter, and their nose is out of joint with the common folk. Therefore, to think for the people, write what the people desire, understand their joys and sorrows, and write what they love. Isn't this the social responsibility of a writer? I remember, over 20 years ago, when the Chinese people just woke up from the nightmare of the Cultural Revolution, the first question young people asked each other was, "Have you eaten?" The phrase, which reflects the dire need for basic subsistence, was uniquely Chinese. Today, the new fashionable greeting among young people is, "Have you divorced?" This popular phrase undeniably shows that traditional Chinese moral values that uphold family are fading, and emotional crises in marriage and family are spreading in both urban and rural areas. Upon hearing this, some might ask: Are the Chinese now placing greater importance on emotions and having higher expectations? Is this a mistake of the nation, or an inevitable part of history? Is it progress or regression? On this very serious issue, I leave it to the readers to seek answers in the book. Love and hatred, joy and sorrow—why must they turn into "sulfur rain"?
A heavy snow fell all day. By night, the snow stopped, and the sky cleared. The clear, transparent sky was filled with sparkling stars. One by one, they twinkled, casting a serene and solemn atmosphere over the city of Xiangfan at night. On this quiet evening, a 16-year-old girl named Fei Lan was hurrying home from school. As she turned into a small alley, a street gangster suddenly rushed at her, making lewd remarks while trying to hug her. She pushed him away fiercely, but the brute flew into a rage and charged at her, whipping her with a belt in his hand. "!" Two crisp sounds rang out as a passerby ran up and slapped the gangster twice on the face. The vicious creature, realizing he was in trouble, fled in a panic. Later, Fei Lan learned that the "hero who helps the wronged" was a young man from Wuhan, Hubei, named Yi Jianping, who worked as a home renovation designer.
How to thank Yi Jianping? One day after work, Fei Lan invited him to a dance hall. In the dance hall, red, white, and golden lights flashed, creating a dazzling and luxurious ambiance. A Strauss waltz played on the VCD, filling the room with joy. Fei Lan and Yi Jianping, as partners, danced with the liveliness of orioles. They followed the music, sometimes moving swiftly like leaves caught in a whirlwind, and at other times slowing down gently like ripples on a tranquil lake. Dancing to the melody of youth and happiness, they swirled and spun, as if lost in a beautiful dream.
After their first date, came the second and third. At the age of 22, Fei Lan was in the prime of her youth, and at 24, Yi Jianping was also at the peak of his physical and emotional maturity. This young couple, whose hearts had just begun to flutter with love, felt the spring of love stirring in their souls. This spring had soaked their hearts with sweet emotions! From the moment of their first love, the energy of their two souls merged, transforming their daily lives. Perhaps for this reason, the Russian writer Ivan Turgenev wrote in "Youth," "First love—it's a revolution: monotonous and conventional ways of life are shattered and destroyed in an instant; youth stands on barricades, its glorious flag waving high!"
As the saying goes, "When the water reaches the channel, the melon ripens and falls." After a period of passionate love, the love fruit of Fei Lan and Yi Jianping ripened. They timely harvested the fruit of love and stepped into a fervent and grand wedding ceremony. After the wedding, both Fei Lan and Yi Jianping longed for a daughter. Two years later, their wish came true! Their love had finally crystallized into a little life—a daughter! At the moment the little one cried out, they burst into uncontrollable laughter, their mouths wide open with joy. For days, they dreamed of her—her curly black hair, arched eyebrows, sparkling eyes, and a face like a peach blossom, fair and serene, with adorable dimples.
Soon, the daughter was three months old, then five months old. She had grown fatter, her face rosy and smooth, her dimples deeper and more charming. If you poked her chin, she would open her toothless mouth and smile sweetly, like a white peony blooming in early spring. The birth of this beautiful little fairy added much joy to the already vibrant and warm family. The neighbors, when they spoke of Fei Lan and Yi Jianping's love, would inevitably praise them: "A wonderful couple, a happy family."
Amidst this praise, dark clouds began to gather over this enviable little family. As Fei Lan told her close friend, "My husband Yi Jianping is a good man, but definitely not a good husband. He is good in the sense that he is determined in his career, sets his goals, and persists no matter how many setbacks he faces. But he is not a good husband because I gradually realized that he views life as too simple and dull. For example, he is infatuated with his design studio, working day and night, sometimes not coming home until the middle of the night. Even worse is that he often travels to other places for home renovation projects, sometimes for a week or even longer, leaving me utterly lonely. On gloomy rainy days, in the empty bedroom, this loneliness intensifies. Sometimes I stare at our wedding photo for a long time, or I wander along the shaded paths where we used to take walks, feeling the torment of longing that outsiders can never understand. I waited for the stars and the moon, and finally, I managed to get him home. I wanted to spend some quality time with him, but he was either at the design studio or meeting colleagues to discuss new ideas, with hardly any time to communicate or talk about family and life. Not even a little leisure time could be found to do something both of us enjoyed to strengthen our bond. Over time, this left me feeling completely drained of desire. I came to realize that deep down, he was not someone who cared about me; he cared only about his career. Of course, I know that a meaningful life is one of continuous pursuit, of climbing to the peak of one's career, and that achievement in one's career is the highest in life. I also have my own pursuits and career, but for me, the meaning of life lies not only in realizing personal value through my career but also in fully enjoying life, especially the happiness of family life. Because a happy family life is like sweet water in the desert, it brings tranquility and comfort, washing away worries and soothing the soul. Conversely, if one focuses only on career and neglects to enjoy life, then what is the point of maintaining such a loveless family?"
Fei Lan's words were a bit long and winding, but it was clear that she was beginning to feel disappointed in Yi Jianping. At this very time, Fei Lan happened to meet one of her university classmates, Chang Deshui, by chance. Through her interactions with Chang Deshui, Fei Lan found him not only knowledgeable and ambitious but also well-rounded,, and responsible. Compared to Yi Jianping, who was clueless about life, had narrow interests, and lacked responsibility, Fei Lan felt that Chang Deshui was far superior in terms of charm and understanding. She developed feelings for Chang Deshui and often spent time chatting, drinking tea, and dancing with him. When she encountered troubles, she was also willing to seek his advice. Although Fei Lan had no intention of breaking up with Yi Jianping to marry Chang Deshui, her relationship with Chang Deshui grew closer, while her relationship with Yi Jianping deteriorated. There was no doubt that Fei Lan's desire to find a new love was burning.
Fei Lan's interactions with Chang Deshui became more frequent, while her conflicts with Yi Jianping grew increasingly irreconcilable. At first, when conflicts became inevitable, they could still follow a strategy to prevent things from escalating. In general, both sides would show a bit of restraint—for example, the husband would be patient with his wife, gradually cooling her anger, or the wife would scold her husband while also showing gentleness, letting him feel that tolerance was meant to nurture and repair love. However, as the arguments continued, the temperature of their emotions dropped, and their tolerance vanished. Finally, one day, the wife said viciously, "I was blind to marry you! I've been cursed! We're through! Let's just call it a day!" Such words were more hurtful than anything else, only serving to escalate the conflict and further break their marriage.
The sudden blow left Yi Jianping's heart as if someone were using a small knife to cut, stab, and pierce him. He pondered deeply over his wife's intentions, trying to unravel her secrets. Yi Jianping repeatedly questioned himself in his heart: "What is this? Why is life so cruel and merciless?"