What is garbage, what is love

Author: Zhu Wen
Publisher:
Publish Date: 2004-01-01
Features: This book is a representative work of the renowned novelist Zhu Wen's long. The novel depicts a series of emotional experiences of "Xiao Ding." With fluent prose, the author draws readers into a ethereal and tranquil realm as he narrates the story. The book is characterized by its smooth writing, compelling plot, and strong readability and enjoyment... Xiao Ding, naked in his room, touched the more prominent papillary protrusion on his lower abdomen again with his fingers. Still, there was no sensation—no pain, no itch, no odor. Such a disease could only make one feel drowsy. You really couldn’t understand what it meant for you. Xiao Ding hugged his shoulders, leaning against the side of the cabinet, feeling the silence around him as if a roaring machine had suddenly stopped. He picked up the dictionary and looked up the entry for "moles." Also known as papillomas, they are commonly referred to as verrucae. He believed he was beginning to understand and grasp the meaning of the word. Can you live with moles? Can you coexist peacefully with moles? Xiao Ding tried to forget about it. A week later, the protrusion had become quite noticeable, resembling a brush and appearing milky white. Xiao Ding came to the window and examined it closely under the bright midday light. It was like a flower, capable of being felt as alive, whether he wanted to or not, it would continue to bloom. Suddenly, Xiao Ding realized it was not alone. Several small protrusions had already appeared around it, appearing more vibrant because they were still not noticeable. Xiao Ding felt a sense of panic. He tried to shift his attention away, but couldn’t. He knew it was time to face it. Xiao Chu, as if angry, lifted her leg and walked away, no longer answering Xiao Ding. She resumed her original rhythm on the stairs, walking quickly and firmly in the dark hallway. Xiao Ding, with his eyes closed, listened to the sound of her high heels until the sound of the door closing came from the end. Xiao Ding stood there for a moment longer. It seemed the door on the fourth floor had opened, and a woman's voice was saying goodbye to the owner, "Hold on, hold on." Xiao Ding wanted to leave, but his feet refused to move even a step. Later, he couldn’t move either, because the people upstairs had already come down cautiously. Xiao Ding held his breath and pressed his body against the wall, watching a shadow pass by him. He smelled the faint scent of perfume on the woman. Thank goodness, she didn’t notice him; otherwise, she would have been scared off the stairs. Xiao Ding suddenly regretted not saying "hello" when the woman passed by him. If he had, he could have gone back to sleep with a sense of satisfaction. At that moment, he heard the woman’s footsteps reaching the bottom of the stairs, and suddenly, she started running frantically. Xiao Ding quickly rushed to the window at the top of the stairs to look outside. Under the moonlight, he could see the woman in a skirt running and nervously glancing back at the stairwell. Xiao Dingly leaned his head back on the chair. He couldn’t remember why he had come here that night. He didn’t want to stay here any longer. He stood up and walked toward the door. Liu Meilin, behind him, timidly called out, "Hey, hey, are you done?" Xiao Ding gave a wry smile, "What are we playing? I’m leaving first." Liu Meilin said more urgently, "Cards, we’re not playing cards anymore? That guy Cheng Jun is coming over soon, right?" She turned her face toward Hu Jie. Xiao Ding remembered that he had been invited to play cards with them that day, betting on small amounts of money. Hu Jie also looked at him with an expression that seemed almost expectant. Xiao Ding couldn’t understand why they still had the energy to play cards that day. After hesitating for a moment, Xiao Ding said, "Forget it. That guy Cheng Jun probably doesn’t have the time today." Liu Meilin said, "How could he not? Why don’t we call his house again to urge him?" As she said this, Liu Meilin was about to walk toward the phone. Suddenly, she stopped and looked pleadingly at Xiao Ding, "Why don’t you make the call?" Xiao Ding refused. He sat back down and watched the rabbit and the rabbit’s wife. Xiao Ding’s intention was, I’ll see how you two manage to call that guy Cheng Jun in front of me, with another person watching. If you do, then I, Xiao Ding, will stay and play cards with you, endure this night, and see it through, no matter what. Liu Meilin began to bend down and pick up the watermelon and broken plates on the floor, occasionally glancing at Hu Jie, who was sitting with her arms around her knees, her chin resting on her knees, eyes closed but eyelashes fluttering. At that moment, the phone rang. Liu Meilin straightened up, handed the two unblemished pieces of watermelon to Xiao Ding, wiped her hands on her apron, and walked to the bedside table where the phone was. She gently placed the receiver on the table and nodded at Xiao Ding, saying, "It’s for you." Xiao Ding was astonished, "For me?" Xiao Ding had to return the two pieces of watermelon to Liu Meilin and wipe his hands on her apron as well. He couldn’t believe it—someone was actually calling for him. Jin Li had first hung up the phone at Xiao Ding’s house, saying he had an urgent matter. Xiao Chu, who had argued with him earlier and had no mood to play cards, had told him Liu Meilin’s phone number. Xiao Ding recognized Jin Li’s voice and felt a sense of unease. However, when he heard Xiao Ding’s voice, the other person’s tone, which had been urgent, softened. Cheng Jun called, asking if Xiao Ding was interested in traveling with him. He said, "Look, the weather is getting cooler now. You’ve made it through, brother. Not going out for a bit would be a crime." His tone was very excited, as if he had already packed a large travel bag. Xiao Ding suddenly looked up at the window. A very faint white cloud was swirling around the top of the fire station building. Cheng Jun followed up, "What about it?" Xiao Ding came back to his senses and said, "Where to?" Cheng Jun said, "Anywhere." Xiao Ding said, "This idiot, the weather is getting cooler, and he’s not staying home? Then this whole summer has been wasted." Cheng Jun said, "What are you talking about? What are you doing at home? Are you writing something?" Xiao Ding said, "The weather is so nice, and you’re cooped up at home writing? You’re such an idiot." Cheng Jun got a bit angry and said, "Alright, shut up, you’ve cursed enough. Are you going or not?" Xiao Ding said, "It’s obvious whether I’m going or not. Why ask again? This idiot!" Cheng Jun said, "Alright. Then you can sponsor me some money, or lend me some, how about that?" Xiao Ding said, "I knew it. You wouldn’t invite me for nothing! But do I have any money to lend you? Think about it, you idiot." Cheng Jun said, "Alright, I’ll think of something else. You bastard! I see you spend all day doing nothing but waiting by the phone for someone to call you, then you curse them out as idiots. Are you annoying me? It’s better to go out for a walk." Xiao Ding said, "Forget it. I don’t want to go anywhere." Cheng Jun seemed disappointed and said, "Alright then. I can invite someone else. This idiot! After cursing, he hung up the phone. Xiao Ding paced back and forth in the room and suddenly felt a sense of regret. He dug out his phone book and searched for a long time but couldn’t find Cheng Jun’s number. In the end, he dialed a number from memory.
After November, Xiao Ding always felt his body was particularly easily tired, and occasionally he experienced tinnitus. The sound was strange, like a homeless child playing a mournful whistle by a distant bridge in the evening. He had already returned to a relatively normal writing life, though he couldn’t produce anything substantial for the time being. However, he persisted in sitting at his desk, hoping to settle down his restless life as quickly as possible, like his buttocks. He had considered stopping the antibiotic medication. Those pills, which had arrived in his life under the name of justice, seemed to be fighting not against the terrible bacteria and viruses but against his health. Xiao Ding found it hard to imagine and accept a future where he had to live with medication. He hoped one day he could take medicine with the appetite for food. That would be true maturity. Maturity meant that one could and should die. To live in a body was like living in a house, enjoying the happiness that the body’s antennae could strive to obtain and extract, naturally, one had to bear the responsibility of maintaining the house and endure the pain of the house leaning or collapsing. But at this moment, both happiness and pain had become illusory. Perhaps living in a house that was starting to leak would make one feel the despair of the weather outside more acutely. Xiao Ding thought he was overthinking things. Sometimes a thought would suddenly fill his entire head, and fear would grip his heart. His legs felt as if filled with cotton, and he had no strength to stand up from the chair. Sweat began to pour down his forehead, and his breathing became chaotic. He felt ashamed of his own self-pity, which he had never hesitated to show. Additionally, he found his constitution becoming increasingly sensitive. After waking up from his nap, he suddenly felt autumn fading away, with a subtle step like the wind. He even smelled the faint scent of winter in the air, arriving early in scattered wisps. He quickly locked the door and came downstairs, walking along the cement-paved sidewalk like a middle-aged man taking a stroll after dinner, pacing at a leisurely pace, all the way to the fire station building. Then he felt tired and began to walk back the way he came, knowing he couldn’t hold onto this feeling of warmth and closeness to another person’s body any longer. When he passed a motorcycle repair shop, he again felt tears welling up in his eyes. He thought, There’s no reason for this. After all, this isn’t the last season he can have. It’s unreasonable to be so easily moved. After dinner, he read for a while and then went to bed. He didn’t know what time it was, but he just felt tired. Lying in bed, he thought, From a certain perspective, being sick is also a kind of happiness. Just as he was about to fall asleep, someone outside started pounding on the security door violently. Xiao Ding didn’t want to answer, but the pounding outside became even more intense, and they were shouting his name. Xiao Ding recognized Cheng Jun’s voice, saying, "I know you’re inside." Xiao Ding had no choice but to get up and open the door. Of course, it was Cheng Jun, dusty and disheveled, and as soon as he entered, he lifted his hair to show Xiao Ding the brown scar on his head. Following him was a chubby girl with a flat nose. She gave Xiao Ding a slightly embarrassed smile, but her teeth were quite white. Xiao Ding had to go back to the inner room to pull up his pants. A familiar atmosphere of life suddenly filled the room, and Xiao Ding was almost dazed, sitting in the chair, unable to speak for a long time. Fortunately, Cheng Jun didn’t intend to talk to him about his travel experiences. His face was flushed, and he was completely absent-minded. Xiao Ding said, "Alright, twenty minutes. I’m not feeling well today, so I need to rest early." Cheng Jun said, "Just twenty minutes? With this scar on your head, half an hour would be more appropriate." Xiao Ding grew impatient and said, "Alright, but make it clear, this is the last time. Twenty-five minutes." Cheng Jun said, "Of course, of course." As he said this, he quickly pulled the chubby girl and rushed into the inner room, locking the door behind them. After buying a pack of cigarettes from a 24-hour convenience store at the corner of Hongwu North Road, Xiao Ding returned to the cold breezy overpass. Although the stores on both sides of the street were brightly lit, there were no pedestrians around, and it was late at night. He leaned his upper body against the railing, tore open the cigarette pack, and threw it down to the bridge below. Xiao Ding felt the chill seep through his elbows, which were resting on the iron railing, all the way to his bones. He didn’t feel cold, but rather a sharp pain. He stood straight up, holding a cigarette in his left hand and reaching into his back pocket for a lighter. Xiao Ding couldn’t remember when he started to have a sense of the night. He didn’t fear the night, but he lacked the enthusiasm to face the cold, the black, and the unknown fear. Sometimes he even wished he could be completely crushed, ending it all. "Can I have one too?" a timid voice came from behind him, and Xiao Ding jumped. He turned around and stared at the young man, almost as tall as him, with a handsome and gentle face. Xiao Ding continued to stare at him and glanced at both sides of the bridge, not knowing where this person had suddenly appeared from. He seemed to be dressed very lightly but didn’t seem cold at all. They only exchanged glances for a moment before quickly looking away. Seeing that Xiao Ding was still watching him, the young man pointed to the west side of the bridge and said, "I’ve been standing there for a long time." Xiao Ding looked in the direction he pointed but said, "Impossible. I don’t remember anyone standing there." The young man then began to list everything Xiao Ding had done in the past half hour. However, Xiao Ding was even more surprised. He was silent for a moment, then laughed to himself, and then shook two fingers in front of Xiao Ding. The latter then remembered about the cigarettes and quickly handed one to him. But the other person didn’t take it, smiling awkwardly. Xiao Ding said, "It’s okay, I just took it out. My mouth hasn’t been in it yet." But the other person smiled again, as if still reluctant. Xiao Ding had no choice but to take out the cigarette pack and offer it to him. The cigarettes were neatly arranged in the pack, almost full. The young man extended three fingers and tried to pull out a cigarette twice but failed. He then took the entire pack with his other hand. Xiao Ding found it strange. He was dressed so lightly, but when he touched his hand, it felt very warm, almost hot. Xiao Ding felt his own hands grow colder. Xiao Ding turned away, shielding himself from the wind with his body, and lit the lighter. As he came closer to light the cigarette, Xiao Ding saw his face covered in a stubble of dark hair and a small shiny scar at the base of his ear. After lighting the cigarette, the young man gently tapped Xiao Ding’s hand twice with his index and middle fingers. Xiao Ding knew this was a gesture of thanks, but it still made him jolt inwardly, making him feel even more unnatural.