Golden in the Past Life: My Life Notes

Author: Lin Bai
Publisher:
Publish Date: 2006-11-01
Features: Fear has been with me since childhood. When I was young, my peers were quite surprised to learn that I later became a journalist. She remembered that I was a particularly timid girl who didn’t talk much and seemed very frightened. Fear, panic, and terror are all roughly the same state. Growing up without a father left me without a sense of security, forcing me to handle everything alone. A child living alone in a large house, always prepared to face ghosts emerging from the darkness. It wasn’t just ghosts—anything felt oppressive to me. I feared dogs, cats, and people. I was afraid of strangers as much as I was of familiar faces, even of my own relatives. I feared my mother. If she entered the room while I was inside, I would find an excuse to leave. If she was in the room, I would try my best to avoid entering. As I grew older, I feared going to work, attending meetings, making phone calls, pitching stories, and conducting interviews. Some of these fears have been overcome, while others may never be. The world is cold, and even among family, there isn’t enough warmth. My heart is cold and dark. As someone with psychological issues, I struggle in this world, facing various difficulties and often feeling fragile, helpless, and hopeless. I have always believed that literature is a great support for the weak. With literature, I find warmth, and with it, light. Now, I am a grateful person, thanking the heavens for allowing me to have a close connection with literature. Literature gradually helps me overcome my fears and makes me not ashamed of them. By observing my fears and writing about them, they become the literature of my own life.
Anxiety I thought I had already overcome my anxiety. Yes, what is there to be anxious about? Everything is fine, and the sky won’t fall. Recently, I attended a small gathering and met a friend who had never read my novels. As the event was nearing its end, he told everyone, I instantly saw that you are an anxious person. I was surprised because I didn’t think I was anxious at all. I asked him how he discovered it—was it through language, actions, or expression? He said it was through my eyes. Does a person who has ever been anxious always carry shadows in their eyes? In 1996, I was particularly anxious because I lost my job. I thought I would soon have no food to eat, and what about my daughter? What if I got sick? Many people might think this is exaggeration—how could there be no food to eat? It’s not like the old society. But I firmly believed that if I got sick, I really would have no food. While I was healthy, I had to keep writing to earn a living, but could such things produce good results? If one day I couldn’t write anymore, my daughter and I would have no food to eat. It’s true—I thought like that at the time. Moreover, I didn’t believe others would help me, nor did I believe my works would continue to be published to earn me royalties. Every time a book came out, I thought it was the last one. I would buy several copies of my own books because there would be none left after that. I would imagine a scenario many years later, where someone is touching a few books, reminiscing about their life. I have always been skeptical of light and warmth. Sometimes, I would have an epiphany and boldly decide, “Let me starve to death. I’ll be a saint.”