Untitled Collection: "Random Thoughts" Volume 5

Author: Ba Jin
Publisher:
Publish Date: 1986-12-01
Features: The fifth collection of "Random Thoughts" consists of thirty essays. I titled this collection "Untitled." Each of the thirty "Random Thoughts" has a title, yet when collected, I called them "Untitled." In reality, I used this name to indicate that the essays were not written strictly according to the titles. I often write the essays first and then add titles, which are merely annotations to the articles. Therefore, when the first thirty "Random Thoughts" were published, they did not have subheadings. That was the end of 1978, and eight years have passed since then. The book, which was originally planned to be completed in five years, was only barely finished by now, and I never expected that I would fall ill again starting in 1982. Some people do not believe that I am ill, thinking that my vitality is strong and that I can still be energetic and accomplish many things after enduring ten years of torment. Indeed, there are still many things left for me to do, but once I fall ill, everything comes to a halt. I really have fallen ill, and not just one illness, but multiple ones. 1982 was the year I suffered the most and experienced the greatest pain from my illnesses, and 1983 was the year I spent treating and recovering from my illnesses. I have already mentioned these circumstances in the previous collection ("Collection of Essays Written During Illness"). The difficulties at that time were even greater than what I wrote in the book, but when I think back to the ten years of the Cultural Revolution, I once again feel optimistic (After all, as long as the Cultural Revolution does not return, I fear nothing!). My friends advised me to write less or not at all, which was their way of showing concern for me. Indeed, writing is extremely difficult for me, and even a ballpoint pen almost refuses to move (It really does not move). Yet my thoughts refuse to stop, always waiting for the pen to move. I sit at my desk, frustrated, slowly moving the pen back and forth. Sometimes the paper remains blank, so I force myself to rewrite, and in this way, I finally manage to write page after page of drafts. On some days, I may write fewer than two hundred words, and it feels as if I am on the verge of exhaustion. I write the above simply to explain that my "Random Thoughts" were truly pieced together, word by word. I did not write them for mere amusement during my illness; I publish them not to decorate myself. I write because I have something to say, and I publish because I owe a debt to be repaid. The ten years of chaos taught some people to become accustomed to silence, but the ten years of bloodshed forced those who were usually silent to cry out in unison. I have a lot to say, and I also have a lot of anger, along with a body that has been repeatedly roasted in the fire for ten years. The fire does not die down, the words are burned to ashes, and they accumulate more and more in my heart. If I do not pour them out and clear them away, I will not be able to sleep peacefully, I will not be able to spend my later years in tranquility, and I might as well say that I will never be able to close my eyes in peace. I often mention debts in my "Random Thoughts" because I consider these five books of "Random Thoughts" to be the ledger of my life. When I look through them, I will not forget the debts, great and small, that I owe. It is always better to repay debts voluntarily than to be sued and forced to pay by others. Debts cannot be evaded. However, in our society in recent years, there has been a tendency to "forget what was said once it was said." This is not just true for speech—it applies to writing and actions as well. Everything is not recorded, and debts are not acknowledged. Today, an article is published calling you a "counter-revolutionary," but a year or two later, when you meet, you shake hands and act as if nothing was said. Some friends, when I mention repaying debts, even think it is unnecessary. They say, "You haven’t made any major mistakes, so why worry about settling accounts?" Some people see that I often dwell on right and wrong, myself for past statements, and advise me not to take it too seriously. They say, "You see, commentators in newspapers and magazines often write articles telling people to speak the truth, discuss this and that, talk about everything under the sun, as if they are always right and never keep accounts or acknowledge debts. As long as you say what they say, everything will be fine." Isn’t that so straightforward? My answer is: Even in the past, I may have been accustomed to following others, but being a writer does not make one superior, nor does it allow one to echo others’ words forever. I must speak for myself, especially since I only have this little time and this little space. What is the use of talking endlessly? If you do not pour out your heart, what is the point? I have advised my friends to give their hearts to the readers, and I ask myself: How many true words have I spoken? I should cherish the draft paper and the ballpoint pen in my hands, for I have nothing left to waste. The readers do not want to hear the ramblings of an old man, and I must prove through my words and actions that I am not a fraud who deceives with a false name. The flaw of our generation is that we talk too much about empty words. After sixty years of writing, I should apologize to the patient readers. With a grateful heart, I bid you farewell, and at the same time, I present these five small books, which I call "Books of Truth." In my life, I have told so many lies, but I hope that here you will see my sincere heart. This is the last time. For you, I am willing to endure another round of torment in the fire. Whether it is true or false, I await your judgment. Along with these five books, I offer you my love and blessings.