Long-tongued man -- Selected Humorous Works of Jia Pingwa: Selected Humorous Works of Jia Pingwa

Author: Jia Pingwa
Publisher:
Publish Date: 2002-09-01
Features: This book selects over forty humorous essays and several humorous short stories by Jia Pingwa. These works reflect and dissect the lives of various individuals in society and during major social transformations from different perspectives, exploring the struggles of human nature under the constraints of traditional culture and the complexity of human nature. The common thread in these works is their fullness of wit and humor, which is another very prominent artistic feature of Jia Pingwa's works.
To smoke is to eat without defecate, belonging to the fine breed of art. It should be enjoyed by a few, like the yellow bedding in imperial chambers, the electric batons of police, or the tranquilizers for insomniacs. But now, too many people smoke, so it must be prohibited.
Prohibit asthmatics from smoking—asthma is already characterized by excessive phlegm, and smoking causes coughing and hacking, tarnishing the reputation of bad cigarettes. Prohibit women from smoking—smoke is fire, and women are water; water and fire are inherently incompatible. Prohibit doctors from smoking—smoke is the cause of fire, and medicine is the cause of illness; both are causes, making it taboo. Prohibit people with cleft lips from smoking—they cannot hold cigarettes. Prohibit bearded individuals from smoking—chimneys never grow grass.
The few who remain allowed to smoke are thus in the company of the Bodhisattvas, for in front of the Bodhisattvas, the incense burners are always filled with curling smoke; the Bodhisattvas also smoke. They dance with weasels, for weasels, when smoked out of their holes, emerge. They are silent with tortoises, for tortoises, when smoking, turn their shells yellow and brittle. They also howl with donkeys—look, that old smoker, the donkey, wears such a huge pipe on his waist!
I am a smoker, and according to the zodiac, I am a dragon. Clouds rise from dragons, so I smoke, inhaling and exhaling smoke like clouds. My principle is not to share cigarettes with others while smoking; I would rather give money to others, for money should be scattered rather than gathered. Smoke is a loyal and self-immolating warrior, but it cannot be shared. Moreover, I firmly believe that one patch of sand nurtures one people—Chinese people should smoke Chinese cigarettes, and locals should smoke local cigarettes. For instance, for years, I have only smoked "Monkey King."
In a temple in Hangzhou, there is a pair of couplets on the door:
"Destiny is also fate, walk slowly; For fame or profit, sit and go."
Busy...