All Is Love - 8 Lectures on Chinese Family Education

Author: Lin Ge
Publisher:
Publish Date: 2006-10-01
Features: Chinese people have always lacked the concept of "privacy" and the habit of consciously protecting their own and others' privacy. Traditional culture emphasizes that "nothing should be kept secret from others," and hiding something from people would seem unscrupulous. Parents are even more so with their children; they generally hope their children are "crystal people" who can be seen through clearly, with no secrets at all. Under this mindset of "denying privacy," parents feel justified in invading their children's privacy. Unaware that when parents openly and arbitrarily snoop into their children's secrets, thinking the children will admire and respect them, the children are actually very unhappy, and may even begin to "look down on" their parents. In fact, instead of trying to steal their children's secrets or forcing them to reveal everything, it's better for parents to control their own curiosity and allow their children to have their own secrets. The latter can reduce parents' psychological burden and earn their children's trust.
There is a famous movie called Scent of a Woman, which tells the story of a child's growth. A group of high school students played a big prank on the principal, angering him so much that he insisted on finding the troublemakers. In this incident, Charlie and another classmate were witnesses, but they both vowed not to reveal the secret. The principal then began to threaten and coax them. Charlie was a good student, and the principal told him that if he revealed the names of the troublemakers, the school would recommend him, and he might even get a scholarship to Harvard. If he remained silent, the school would expel him. Charlie was naturally hesitant, torn between his oath to keep the secret and the clear (benefits and consequences). The other classmate, after discussing it with his parents, chose to speak up. However, even though that classmate had already revealed the names of the troublemakers, and the secret no longer had any practical significance, Charlie still remained silent. The climax of the film comes when a colonel—a new friend Charlie has made—defends the child. He tells everyone, "I don't know if Charlie's silence is right or wrong, but I know he won't betray others for his own future. That is loyalty, that is courage. His soul is not for sale."
In the film, the colonel never asks Charlie about his secret, yet Charlie respects and trusts him! Why? Because he understands that once a child decides to keep a secret, whether it's their own or someone else's, when they choose to remain silent, they have made a promise to their own soul. And no matter what means you use to dig out that secret, you are actually leaving a scar on the child's heart, (hand-cutting the weight you hold in the child's eyes). Parents must allow their children to have secrets and earn their trust by not (reading) their diaries and letters, not (listening in on) their phone calls, and not forcing them to reveal secrets they don't want to share. This is not easy, and achieving this mainly relies on self-discipline. If parents struggle to control themselves, they can set up some "obstacles" for themselves, such as letting their children lock their drawers and not keeping a "backup key"; installing a separate phone in their child's room (not a extension), and so on. P13