Don't make things difficult for the child

Author: Zhang Yawen
Publisher:
Publish Date: 2006-08-01
Features: "Rebellion is a sign of the desire for independence"
"Ahh, this child, why is he getting more and more disobedient?"
"Children today are impossible to manage!"
These are the frequent laments of many parents. Yes, a child's stubbornness and rebellion are a major headache for many parents today. Many parents often wonder why, when children are young and well-fed, nothing seems to go wrong. But as they grow older and are given more, their demands also increase. At a certain point, if their needs are not met even slightly, they will oppose their parents no matter what. No matter how they try to educate them, it's all in vain. What is the reason for this? In fact, when children transition from their ignorant childhood to adolescence, the most obvious sign is the enhancement of their sense of independence. A child's rebellious mentality is not, as we imagine, deliberately opposing their parents, nor does it mean that children become more disobedient as they grow older. To some extent, a child's rebellious behavior is actually a signal of their desire for independence. At this stage, they no longer blindly follow their parents' words but gradually develop their own thoughts and make judgments based on their own experiences. If, as parents, we fail to communicate and understand them in time, still relying on our own life experiences and ideas to educate them, treating them as if they know nothing, it is very easy to make them dismissive and even foster rebellious attitudes. This can lead to escalating conflicts, turning them into opposition against their parents.
Recently, a friend of mine who teaches at Peking University's School of Chinese Literature told me about his child. His child is now 17 years old and is in his senior year at a key high school. To help his child get into a top university and have a bright future, the friend hired three tutors to provide extra tutoring in "Chinese, Math, and Foreign Languages." However, the child completely refused to listen. Every time a tutor came to teach, the child treated them with indifference, sometimes even ignoring them and going online instead. The tutors, after visiting a few times, no longer wanted to come. With the college entrance exams approaching, the friend came to me to talk to his child. Below is the conversation I had with his child:
"You can understand why your parents hired tutors for you, right?"
"It's no use asking. Of course, I understand, but I don't want to say it!"
"Why are you so cold to the tutors then?"
"Because I'm already grown up. I have my own study plan and methods. Why should I be treated like a child?"
Facing this child's answer, I was speechless. Yes, the friend's child is 17 years old and not yet fully mature, but he is already someone who can think independently. If parents still treat him as someone who needs constant protection, the child will definitely not tolerate it.
Thinking of the friend's child, I then reflected on my own daughter. Our generation, due to historical and family circumstances, couldn't fulfill many of our dreams, so I placed all my hopes on my daughter. I devoted myself to shaping her into a talented girl skilled in music, painting, calligraphy, and chess. In a way, I was trying to guide her along the path I had designed. Therefore, I hired a accordion teacher, a painting teacher, and my husband personally taught her Go. She was expected to paint every day and practice the accordion for two to three hours, play three games of Go a week. In my eyes, this arrangement seemed reasonable, but my daughter's behavior broke my heart. She would casually play simple tunes on the accordion and hastily complete simple paintings. When I questioned and criticized her, she would always counter with excuses like, "The teacher said we should practice these simple pieces first to build a foundation." Unlike boys, my daughter didn't argue with me, but her "non-violent, non-cooperative" attitude left me at a loss. My daughter no longer followed my plans, and I gradually felt I couldn't find the obedient girl I once knew. My daughter had grown up; she now had her own opinions and thoughts, no longer a meek little kitten. She began to explore the world, and the education she was receiving was enough to help her start planning her own goals and form her own personality. She knew what she wanted to do, what she didn't want to do, what she liked, and what she disliked.
Therefore, when our adult-oriented ideas and demands clash with her thoughts and goals, conflicts arise.
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