Passionate emotions, the complete manual for gender relationships

Author: Tracy Cox (Australia), translated by Yan Weiming and others
Translator: Yan Weiming, Tao Pan and Sun Yuanjie
Country:
Publisher:
Publication Date: 2002-04-01
Features: I'm getting ready for a date. Pop music is playing in the background, and I'm trimming my eyebrows, dyeing my hair, and applying makeup in the bathroom. I'm also almost drunk—the bottle of white wine is going down quickly, but I can't help myself. I'm in an extremely excited state, eager to go there. I strongly feel that tonight is a critical moment. Tonight, I'm going to meet a man who is charming, witty, humorous, intelligent, ambitious, and great in every way. Remember last week, I was lamenting to my girlfriends that there are no single men left in the world. That's a story for another time. I feel so fat/old/ugly/depressed. Tonight, I had a bottle of Chardonnay, and I'm in a particularly high mood, feeling flirty. All my problems magically disappeared. My mother doesn't have to buy me extravagant Christmas gifts anymore, because "You don't have a boyfriend to give you gifts." I'm going to a huge party: the house is packed with men, and the hostess guarantees at least a dozen single men will be invited. It's fantastic! I got into a taxi, gave the driver a sweet smile, and thought to myself, "I'm not desperate; I'm hopeful." Around 3 a.m., I was back in the taxi, cursing the inconsiderate jerk who seemed to have moved my home to another place and couldn't find it. "Thank you," I said to the driver (when I finally found my way home), and walked along the side of the road. It was deserted. Anyway, I managed to find the front door. Even better, I accidentally inserted the key into the lock and unlocked the door. I rushed to the fridge, looking for high-fat foods, added three spoonfuls of sugar to the tea (what's the point of being thin if it doesn't help you anyway), took everything to the bed, pretended to be nonchalant, tried to read, gave up, and started crying uncontrollably. What's wrong with me? Why can't I find someone to love? Why does everyone else have a partner? I shouldn't have broken up with Brad. He's not that bad. Why was I so picky? I don't know why I feel uncomfortable—I only ate a pack of chocolate-filled cookies. Around this time, I fell asleep. When I was single and feeling down, I often found myself in this situation. Why am I telling you I'm this pathetic? There are two reasons: First, just like me, the more you rush to find someone you like, the less likely you are to find them. Second, before I tell you how wonderful single life can be, I have to admit that I know, as a single person, you sometimes feel very lonely. Although this chapter is all about enjoying single life (I have to admit that when I was single, I was happy 90% of the time), we still have to face reality here. Sometimes, everyone feels down because they lack a partner. That's normal. We've all cried into our pillows after going out for the night, hoping to meet a special man but ending up disappointed. And when you lose your job, your father gets seriously ill, you fight with your best friend, or you're just bored, single life is extremely unpleasant. However, let's look at it from another perspective. We can take a more balanced view of the issue. When I was single and feeling low, there was always one thing that always brought me back to reality. That was to recall other times when I cried into my pillow: when I was in a relationship and it was extremely unpleasant. Those feelings were just as bad, if not worse. When you're feeling down and single, you seem to crave a partner more than ever. When you're feeling down and in a relationship, you seem to crave single life more than ever. Both have their pros and cons. For example, compared to couples, single people have an undeniable advantage: a life that is both free and full of variety. When couples are sitting watching a movie, their single friends might be flying to Bali with a group of people, rock climbing, or discovering a trendy new restaurant that serves delicious dishes like salted snails, garlic aioli, and fermented sugar bean sprouts. If couples get jealous, you can't blame them—because their most exciting moments are probably peeing on a rope. As long as you're willing to enjoy single life, it can be a blast. Sometimes, the signals men and women send are more complicated than phone lines. Why? Because men and women often interpret body language and gestures differently. In fact, I'll put it simply: most of the time, it's the men who misunderstand. What you think is direct flirting is often just tentative teasing—or simply out of politeness. "Girls dance too confidently, too sexily," my friend Mike says, "You see their butts swaying and their breasts trembling—if I think that means you want to come home and have sex, can you blame me?" Well, of course, you can blame me! People like Mike listen to that. Girls love to dance, so we often dance well. Frankly, if we accept an invitation to dance with you, it's usually out of friendship, and we often forget about you in the dance hall. We're lost in the rhythm of the music, not in you (sorry). Kissing is the same. Girls love kissing. For us, kissing isn't always a prelude to sex, even if we're using our tongues to lick your tonsils. There are many reasons for this. It's intimate, yet risk-free. Although some of us might lose control in the heat of the moment, others see kissing as a test (theoretically, if he's good at kissing, he's good in bed. But experts still don't accept that theory). Another common misunderstanding: if we leave with you, we must be planning to have sex. You're wrong again. Letting you take us home might mean you'll get our phone numbers, but it doesn't mean you'll be looking for condoms in your wallet. So, be very careful when interpreting the signal "She wants me, I know it": you might get a slap instead of a benefit. Class is over (for now, gentlemen, but it's necessary), and I'm about to move on to the next part: how to use your body to communicate that you're interested. Use the following body language to attract attention—discover the message the other person wants to convey to you:
● Running fingers through your hair. Pushing your hair back to reveal your face to the other person. This is a confident gesture, meaning: "I'm satisfied with how I look."
● Looking around when someone is looking at you, then turning your gaze to them. This is equivalent to saying: "Among everyone here, you are my best choice."
● Intentionally walking past someone. Especially if it's clear you're coming from a distance.
● Getting closer. Pretend there's a reason (find a better seat, avoid the crowd, or see something clearly—there's always something to see!). The message remains the same: "I'm here, come be my friend."
● Touching the other person. Grabbing their arm while explaining something; brushing a speck of dust off their work uniform; gently brushing a strand of hair off their eyes—look for and use any excuse. If you like someone, you touch them often; the more you touch them, the more they like you.
● Mirroring the other person's actions. Anthropologists claim that "mirroring"—imitating each other's body movements and postures—is the best way to show sexual and romantic interest.
● Shrugging your shoulders. Both men and women instinctively shrug their shoulders when they meet someone attractive (perhaps to contract their abdominal muscles, trying to "adjust" to their best self). We also uncross our arms. If your conversation partner crosses their arms, you're asking too many questions. This is a defensive posture, meaning: "Don't ask about my personal life."
● Blinking quickly. When we're attracted to someone, we blink more often than usual.
● Maintaining eye contact for more than two seconds. Strangers usually don't hold eye contact for more than two seconds. If you see eye contact held for three times or more than two seconds, it definitely shows more than just curiosity.
● Leaning forward. Tilting your upper body toward someone shows you're interested. If they lean forward too, it means they're interested too. If they lean back, don't expect anything.
Are we talking about anger here, or sadness? Is it true emotional lowliness, or do you see the rainbow when they see dark clouds gathering and impending storms? If they're often in a bad mood, they're a bit excessive, unable to control themselves, and completely out of sync with their surroundings—if so, take them to a doctor. True depression can sometimes be cured with medication or therapy. If we're talking about odd bad moods, just keep them away when they're having one. They often wake up with a grim expression and get angry over small things. Oh my! If you always feel down when you enter a room, unsure how they'll treat you, it's not much fun. If anger, resentment, sadness, or draining anger happens often, you'll be walking on eggshells in the relationship. You'll also have to bear most of the anger, and they'll surely blame it on you because you're the one closest to them. People who are perpetually down rarely blame themselves; over time, you'll start to believe it really is your fault. If you have to calm them down when they're angry (by rudely treating waiters, your family, or friends), you'll understand why you're living with a two-year-old with a bad temper. Why would you want to deal with that? Many moody men are extremely attractive. Their highs are even higher than average, and sex is amazing. Some women get into relationships with moody men because they enjoy the way they treat women. Anyway, if you're rearranging your life to make your partner happy, you need to stop immediately and/or break up. If you apologize often, make excuses for their bad behavior, and look for reasons why you can't make them happy, blaming their unhappiness on yourself, then you should do the same. Wait until they're in a good mood and sit down with your partner to explain how unhappy you are on your end. Ask them to think about why they're moody and whether they can change their attitude. Make it clear that you can't be used as a vent for their anger and that you don't want to see your partner always in a bad mood or angry at others. If they admit it's a problem and make an effort to change, you can give them a chance. My boyfriend cries easily. I know I should pat him on the back and let him express his feelings like a "man," and even I started to think he was a big idiot. You should definitely give him full credit for his courage: years ago, it was news when a man cried in front of anyone. Now, people are accusing public officials of shedding tears just to win sympathy.