Reveal the mysterious veil of psychological barriers

Author: Wei Yali
Publisher:
Publish Date: 2006-02-01
Features:
1. Why Do People Repeatedly Attempt Suicide? A Full View of Psychological Therapy
Xiaoxue is a 32-year-old engineer who graduated from university and works at a research institute. She is a pretty young woman with a good face, fair skin, and well-proportioned features. However, her facial muscles are quite stiff, and she rarely smiles—or perhaps never has. My heart felt as if it were covered by a sandstorm, gray and dim, with no light at all.
Her job is stable. She has been married for four years, and her husband is very kind to her. He is a civil servant, and they have a three-year-old daughter who is both well-behaved and intelligent. Both her in-laws are officials with stable incomes and healthy bodies, so there is no burden on them. After her daughter was born, her mother-in-law often came to help take care of her. In others' eyes, she should be a lucky and contented woman. But for herself, she finds little joy in life or work. Instead, she often seeks trouble for no reason and cries sorrowfully. She has a very low self-esteem and often says, "I'm nothing compared to others": "No one likes me. I don't know how to interact with others. I have no friends. I can't find topics to talk about with colleagues. My work ability is worse than others, and my performance is terrible. I don't know how long I can stay at the company, or when I might be fired. I don't know what I should do to change this passive situation."
For two years, she has been in such a low mood. Work that used to be effortless has become difficult. She is always listless, worried, and gloomy, with no interest in anything, unable to feel happy. Her mind is always suffocated and heavy, and she lacks the energy to do anything. Many things she should be able to do, she can't. She finds it hard to talk to others and often feels inexplicably agitated, even angry at herself.
Additionally, she says, recently her condition has worsened. She feels her mind has become dull, her attention cannot focus, and her understanding and memory have declined significantly. Going to work is a struggle for her. She cannot concentrate on anything, including reading or watching TV. Even simple household chores feel too difficult to complete, and she doesn't want to do anything. This only deepens her inner pain, making her feel even more inferior to others and that her life is meaningless and worthless.
"I'm in pain. I have no appetite for food; I often can't sleep at night and wake up very early in the morning. During the day, I don't want to go to work, even don't want to dress up, and I don't want to talk to my husband. Our intimate life has also been significantly affected. At work, I don't dare to speak to my superiors. If my colleagues look unhappy or have something bothering them—even if it has nothing to do with me—I often can't help but blame myself, thinking it must be my fault."
She faces great difficulties in interpersonal interactions. She can't find topics to talk about with her colleagues. Seeing them chat animatedly and talk about everything, she feels very envious: "I really want to be like them, to say whatever I want and laugh whenever I want. This should be the simplest thing for others, but I can't do it. I can't find topics, and when I try to join in a few times, not only do I feel awkward, but I also bore others, and we end up parting unhappily."
As time goes by, this feeling of "not fitting in" grows worse, making her feel more frustrated and self-esteem even lower. "I often feel useless and that my life has no value. A disliked failure who can't interact with others—living is truly worse than death. That's why I often think about suicide."
"I feel guilty toward my husband and daughter. I'm a waste of space, a burden to them, and I can't bring them joy. I worry so much. I know I have depression, and my mood is so terrible that I can't feel happy at all. Am I going to infect my daughter and make her mentally unhealthy? I feel like my daughter is clearly affected by me. Her emotions are fragile, and she gets easily upset and cries endlessly."
Seeing her daughter like this, she feels guilty and self-blaming. "I'm such a incompetent mother." Her concern for her daughter's mental health is also the main motivation for her to seek psychological counseling and hope to change herself.
"You can sense that your heart is in pain. You feel inferior in many aspects, abnormal, and you think these situations are hard to change, so you feel frustrated, doubt yourself, and have a pessimistic outlook on the future. You can't feel the joy of life or see any hope for tomorrow—is that right?"
I listened intently to this frail young woman, her voice slow and low as she poured out her suffering and misfortune. I tried to feel her sorrow with all my heart, and my own heart ached too.
"Yes, yes, can you really understand me?" Xiaoxue feels my sincerity and care, and her body subconsciously leans forward.
"I want to tell you something, don't be surprised. From my freshman year in college to the first two years of working, I attempted suicide four times! I'm still alive now. I don't know if it's a punishment from fate that hasn't ended yet, or if it's heaven pitying my misfortune."
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