Jokes Three Thousand

Author: Xu Zhuodai / Country: Mainland China
Publisher:
Publish Date: 2000-05-01
Features:
Tomorrow morning, San Mazi found his house filled with debt collectors, and a few had to stand. In the evening, he whispered to a standing fat man, "Tomorrow, please come earlier." The fat man, seeing the invitation for tomorrow morning, believed there was hope. The next morning, he went to ask San Mazi for money. San Mazi said, "I saw you standing and your legs must be aching, so I told you to come earlier so you could sit in a chair. But there's no money."
A soldier who had been trained for a thousand days: "I must go back!" The officer said, "You just started fighting yesterday, how can you leave? A soldier trained for a thousand days is used in one battle!" The soldier replied, "I've been in the army for ten months, and the country has supported me for three hundred days. Yet you've used me for twenty-eight hours!"
Eager to Learn:
The jailer asked, "You were just released from prison yesterday, how did you commit another crime today?" The prisoner replied, "In prison, I learned how to weave rattan, but I haven't mastered the technique of weaving handbags. I had to come back for more practice."
Intellectual:
The professor asked, "Do you know what a needle is used for?" A female student answered, "To play records." The professor asked, "Where does rice come from?" The student replied, "Bought with foreign currency."
Justice:
Mr. Hu was bitten by a rich man's dog while studying in the U.S. He sued the man. The rich man hired a lawyer, and the result was that it was proven not only that the rich man's dog had not bitten Mr. Hu, but that Mr. Hu had bitten the dog. After losing the case, Mr. Hu exclaimed, "Where is justice? Where is the law?" The judge immediately ordered him to be silent and sternly said, "You must understand: This is a courtroom!"
Cars Coming and Going:
Li said, "That guy Xiao Liu claims his father always travels by car. I wonder if his father is an official or a wealthy businessman?" Zhang replied, "He's a taxi driver!"
Gratitude:
Mr. Shi was sick and stayed in the hospital for a month. When he recovered and was about to leave, he gratefully said to the doctor, "You completely cured my illness. What can I use to thank you?" "Simply a check or cash."
Giving Way and Progress:
Wang said, "Today's young people are truly getting worse with each generation. By the age of sixteen or seventeen, they already know how to get into trouble." Jin replied, "Not necessarily! I think young people are becoming more disciplined with each generation." Wang asked, "How can you tell?" Jin said, "I'm not wrong. Twenty years ago, I constantly encountered young people following me on the street. But now, young people are very well-behaved and don't follow me anymore."
Difficult to Please:
Housemaid A said, "Madam, my salary doesn't matter to me. I just want to have something to eat." Housemaid B said, "Madam, I only need food, not a salary." Housemaid A replied, "No! Madam! Then I don't want a salary either, and I have a stomach problem—I only eat porridge, not rice."
Brain-Pill Water:
Old Li loved to drink beer and tricked his wife by saying, "This is the brain-pill water the doctor told him to drink every day." Once, Li's wife went to a banquet and someone offered her beer. She took a sip and said, "This isn't beer! Don't trick me! This is brain-pill water."
Anxiety:
University Student A said, "I'm so anxious that my hair is falling out." University Student B asked, "But what are you anxious about?" University Student A replied, "I'm anxious about losing my hair!"
Psychologist:
The hotel owner scolded the tea boy Gen Sheng, "Gen Sheng, you're too foolish. You let a guest stay in the most expensive room again. What will you do if they can't pay?" Gen Sheng confidently said, "I believe the guest I just had must be rich." The boss asked, "How can you be so sure? You need to prove it to me." Gen Sheng replied, "It's very simple. Don't you see them? The man looks like he's over sixty, and the woman looks like she's only twenty."
Coming Just in Time:
That night, poet Shao accompanied an boring foreign lady to watch Chinese opera and then ate Chinese snacks. Shao's wife waited impatiently at home and was furious. She turned off the lights and hid behind the door, ready to grab him and fight as soon as he came in. At two o'clock, the door opened quietly. Shao's wife didn't wait for him to turn on the light and rushed over, embracing him angrily and saying, "Don't you even want to come back?" A weak male voice replied, "Madam, I'm not your husband. I haven't stolen anything yet. Please let me go."
Still Not Enough:
A gentleman said, "From anything, if you take away a little, what remains will naturally be less. Do you understand?" A student replied, "Not necessarily! A stick has two ends. If you cut off one end, what remains still has two ends. How can it be less?"
Another Guest:
A guest asked the shopkeeper, "Sir, can you tell me if there's still a guest in your hotel named Wang Wenhua who only has one eye?" The shopkeeper said, "Perhaps I can help you look; but Sir, do you know what the other eye is called?"
Life and Money:
Besides Mr. Hu, few people love money as much as he does. Someone asked him, "Would you rather lose your life or your money?" The old man faithfully replied, "I'd rather lose my life. My money is saved for my old age."
Appointment:
A said, "I'd like to ask you!" B replied, "Oh! I'm very busy!" A said, "To ask you to go to the movies with me." B replied, "That's great! That's great!" A said, "After I win the lottery."
Embroidery:
The surgeon said, "To stitch your wound, it will cost twenty yuan in surgery fees." The patient said, "Sir!" "Please just stitch it roughly. No need for it to be embroidered beautifully."
Above All:
At a school, Shi Hong walked in and said, "My father holds a position above all." He walked out and said the same thing. People got tired of hearing it. One day, a new student asked his roommate, "What kind of great man is Shi Hong's father?" The roommate replied, "He's not a great man. He's just a pilot."
Homophones:
Zhou Wen asked her uncle to translate her name into English and asked, "How do you pronounce it?" Her uncle said, "It's still Zhou Wen." Zhou Wen said, "Oh! Chinese and English are the same."
Twin Babies:
Huang Yaying said, "If I were a twin, that would be great." Wang Decheng asked, "Why?" Yaying replied, "One person goes to school, and the other plays at home. Wouldn't that be good?"
Pill:
An old man was teaching a lesson. When Kangzi brought medicine, he only asked if it was a decoction or a pill. The old man praised the host, saying, "Only your son has such a fine nature that he could ask such a question, and only a student as knowledgeable as you could answer it. In the previous section, the villagers performed a ritual, and ritual naturally refers to pills. In the next section, it's a decoction, but it's not cooked with fire, so how could the stable burn down?"
An Uncertain Number of Brothers:
An old man asked Xu Jiyan, "How many brothers do you have?" Jiyan replied, "Uncle, it's uncertain. My mother often says she might have another little brother."
Grandmother in the Tomb:
Qian Mingde said, "My grandfather is already eighty years old this year." Zhou Jisheng replied, "Hmph! What's so special about that? My grandmother is already one hundred and twenty years old." Mingde asked, "That's really old. Where does she live now?" Jisheng replied, "She's not old. I still see her in her photos looking young. It's said she lives in the middle of a tomb."
Zigong Borrowing Rice:
Confucius ran out of food in Chen and ordered Yan Hui to go back to the state of Lu to borrow rice. Because the name of the state was the same as his own, he hoped there would be some sentiment. When Yan Hui went to communicate, Confucius was furious and said, "You, Confucius, want to expel the barbarians, but you even curse the Hui people. You say the Hui are thieves? I won't give you rice if you run out." Yan Hui returned sullenly. Zigong asked to go, claiming, "I always flattered you and said, 'Zigong, how could you dare to curse the Hui people.'" The Hui people were delighted and gave him a load of white rice, promising to send it continuously. When Zigong returned and reported to Confucius, Confucius frowned and said, "We borrowed a load of rice, but it's not logical."
Finding One Hundred Yuan:
The official said to the criminal, "I'll sentence you to a month in prison. If you can pay one hundred yuan, you can go free." The criminal replied, "I don't have the money, so I'll stay in prison for two months and pay you one hundred yuan."
Ink-Sucking Paper:
The teacher asked a student, "Why are you eating ink-sucking paper?" The student replied, "I drink too much water, so I eat ink-sucking paper to absorb some of it."
A Poem About Farting:
A scholar died and saw the King of Hell. The King suddenly farted, and the scholar immediately bowed and said, "Your Majesty, your noble rear is high and mighty, and your precious fart is like the sound of silk and bamboo, faintly like the fragrance of orchids and osmanthus. I, in the lower position, am overwhelmed by the fragrance." The King was delighted and ordered the ox-headed guard to take him to another hall for a banquet. On the way, the scholar looked at the guard and said, "Your two horns are curved like the moon in the sky; your bright eyebrows are like stars in the sea." The guard was also delighted and tugged the scholar's clothes, saying, "The King's banquet is not yet ready. Let's have a drink at home first."
How to Change:
On the night of the New Year's Eve, the mother said to her son, "What are you still doing up at this hour? Go to sleep!" The son replied, "Because I want to see how the old year changes into the new year."
Three Copper Coins:
The teacher asked a student, "What's the difference between 'I will eat a baozi' and 'I have eaten a baozi'?" A student replied, "The difference is three copper coins."
Not in the Stomach:
A scholar was preparing for an exam and was anxious day and night. His wife comforted him, saying, "It looks so hard to write essays, just like giving birth." The scholar replied, "Still, giving birth is easier for you." His wife asked, "How can you tell?" The scholar replied, "You have something in your stomach, but I don't."
Five Plus Five:
The math teacher asked Cheng Sheng, "Five plus five is how many?" Cheng Sheng replied, "It's still five." The teacher said he wasn't paying attention. Cheng Sheng then took a glove and put it on the teacher's hand, saying, "Isn't this five plus five equal to five?"
Deaf Grandmother:
The deaf grandmother asked her granddaughter, "Who bought this toy for you?" The granddaughter said loudly, "Grandma! I'll tell you. Your ears can't hear anyway, so I don't have to say it."
Dreaming of the Duke of Zhou:
A teacher fell asleep during the day and, when he woke up, mistakenly said, "I dreamed of the Duke of Zhou." The next day, his student imitated him. The teacher woke him up with a ruler and said, "Why are you doing that?" The student replied, "I went to see the Duke of Zhou too." The teacher asked, "What did the Duke of Zhou say?" The student replied, "The Duke of Zhou said he didn't meet your teacher yesterday."
Buying Yesterday's Pen:
A small student told the shopkeeper, "I want to buy a pen for eighty Wen." The shopkeeper said, "Yesterday, each pen cost eighty Wen, but it's raised today to eighty-five Wen." The small student replied, "I only want to buy yesterday's pen, not today's."
Cooking Goldfish:
Child A told Child B, "Thanks a lot yesterday for giving me ten goldfish." Child B asked, "Were the goldfish good?" Child A replied, "Their taste was very bitter. I can't get used to it."