Book Volume - Fu Lei Collection

Author: Fu Lei
Publisher:
Publish Date: 2006-09-01
Features: January 18th, 1954 [Fifty-five Communications] / January 19th, 1954, to Feng: As soon as the train started moving, everyone turned into tearful figures, standing stiffly on the platform. They only turned around after the long train had completely left the station. In January 1954, Fu Cong was invited by the Polish government to participate in the Fifth Chopin International Piano Competition and study in Poland. On January 17, 1954, the whole family saw off Fu Cong at Shanghai Railway Station to prepare for his departure to Beijing. —Editor’s Note The person who comforted me the most when I left was Professor Shen Zhibai, a renowned composer in our country, who was persecuted to death during the Cultural Revolution. —Editor’s Note On the rickshaw ride home, everyone couldn’t stop crying. Min kept sobbing. Last night, we didn’t sleep well at all, waking up frequently. Today, I took a nap, but just as I closed my eyes, I jolted awake again. The feeling on the platform last night, something I hadn’t experienced in years, made my chest ache and my stomach feel queasy—just like when I used to be heartbroken. Today, I feel like I’ve been through a serious illness, with no energy at all. Mom wanted to cry everywhere—her eyes were already swollen beyond recognition, dry and painful, but she couldn’t help herself. She just said, “You’ve been smiling all day,” and then she burst into uncontrollable sobs. Really, child, you’ve been smiling all day, making it impossible for me to bear parting! I keep thinking back to the events of January 1953. In January 1953, there was a heated debate between Fu Cong and his father over which of Beethoven’s violin sonatas was the most important. Fu Cong, based on his musical feelings, disagreed with his father’s view that the ninth sonata, the “Kreutzer” Sonata, was the most important, believing instead that the tenth violin sonata was more significant. The two couldn’t agree. His father thought Fu Cong was too arrogant, “How many books have you even read?” At the time, the international music world generally agreed that the ninth sonata was the most important. So his father insisted on his opinion, leading to a serious conflict. In his anger, the stubborn Fu Cong left home and stayed with his father’s friend Mao Chu’en’s friend, Chen Bokang, for nearly a month. Later, when his father’s uncle passed away, he felt that life was too short and that there was no need for the father and son to be so serious. Overwhelmed with emotion, he had Fu Min bring Fu Cong home, and they finally reconciled. —Editor’s Note I can’t shake the guilt in my conscience. I have wronged you, I will always regret it, and I can never atone for this sin! These thoughts have occupied my mind all day, but I didn’t dare tell Mom. When one makes a mistake in life, their conscience can never be at peace! Really, Balzac said it well: Some sins can only be atoned for, not washed away!
Last night, as soon as I lay down, I revisited your childhood all over again. Poor child, how is your childhood so similar to mine? I also know that the setbacks you faced since childhood have not been without help in your current achievements; but as your father, I have made many grave mistakes. I ask myself that in my life, I have never done anything wrong to my friends or society, but at home, I have done things that weigh heavily on my conscience. Father was extremely strict with his son, sometimes almost inhumane, and as a result, my mother often suffered mentally. —Editor’s Note These are thoughts I’ve often had in the past year, but lately, they’ve been especially on my mind, like a nightmare. Poor me, I didn’t truly awaken to my fatherly role until I was past forty-five! Today, my spirits haven’t recovered at all. Life is full of trials, and by the time you’ve overcome most of them, it’s time to leave the world. Analyzing my emotional fluctuations over the past two days, most of it stems from the fact that I’ve never loved you as deeply as I do now, and yet at the very moment of love, separation has struck! This is a test that has never been faced by me or my wife before. Don’t forget that Mom means more to you than just maternal love—she has poured so much heart and effort into you, endured so much humiliation—yes, much of it due to my faults—and so much pain. A gardener who tends to their plants with blood and tears will eventually have to share the fruits with others, but how can one avoid the emotions of reluctance at the moment of parting? The painful childhood that followed you has also been the adulthood of a father who didn’t know how to be a good father. Fortunately, you are blessed with an extraordinary resilience that no blow can shatter, which has lessened some of my guilt. But the result is one thing, and the past is another: even though I have buried my past, I can never bury my mistakes. Child, child, child, how can I embrace you to show my remorse and love? Dad, the night of the 19th