Make Your Child Never Say No - The Art of Persuading Children

Author: (USA) Wickoff, (USA) Neil / Country: Mainland China
Publisher:
Publish Date: 2006-06-01
Features:
"Get in the car." "No! I don't want to get in the car!" Your lively and energetic four-year-old refuses to get in the car—is it because he doesn’t want to wear a seatbelt? Because he’s tired or hungry? Or maybe he wants to stay home and play? He might be afraid of getting a stomachache, which is a common occurrence when driving on a highway. You should ask about your child’s feelings and address the issue so you can ensure that the upcoming trip will be enjoyable for everyone.
Small Tip: Try to avoid driving around before meals or bedtime to prevent your child from getting fussy. If you’re planning a long-distance trip, you can drive while your child rests and let him sleep in the car. If you know your child feels uncomfortable in the car, provide fresh air and roadside scenery, or play his favorite songs or movies to make him enjoy riding.
Don’t tell yourself: "I can tolerate everything else, but my child is too stubborn now." Viewing your life as a series of problems will make you feel oppressed and lead to self-pity and low spirits. Exaggerating the problem and your negative emotions will only make things worse. Instead, tell yourself: "My child’s stubbornness doesn’t mean he’ll always be like this." A positive attitude can soften your child’s resistance, making you more patient and proactive in solving the problem.
Don’t tell yourself: "This isn’t worth a fight. I’ll just give up on my plans." Giving up your plans because of your child’s refusal will teach him that complaining is a way to get his way. It will also make him think that giving up is an option when facing difficulties. Instead, tell yourself: "I can’t just give up on what I want to do because my child doesn’t want to get in the car. I need to find a way to get him to cooperate."
A positive attitude fosters perseverance and determination, helping you solve the problem.
Don’t tell yourself: "Because I’m a single parent, my child can take advantage of me." Blaming your child’s refusal on being a single parent creates a victim mentality and turns persuading your child to cooperate into a matter of success or failure—an unhealthy and useless way of thinking. Instead, tell yourself: "I understand how your child feels, and sometimes I do things I don’t want to either." Empathy can help motivate your child to cooperate. When you support each other and work together, you can both achieve your goals.
When talking to your child, don’t threaten him. Don’t say: "Get in the car now, or you’ll regret it!" Threatening with a bad outcome implies that he can continue until the punishment comes, which doesn’t teach him cooperation. Additionally, if he says you’re bluffing, it will force you to carry out the punishment. If you don’t, it will tell him that you don’t always mean what you say. So, it’s best to avoid threats or follow through on them. Instead, give him more choices and say: "You can choose to get in the car happily or cry about it. It’s your decision." Help him understand the situation so that his choice shows he can choose how he wants to feel, and teach him to handle things he doesn’t like.
Don’t bribe your child. Don’t say: "If you get in the car now, I’ll give you a small cookie." Using food as a bribe gives food an unhealthy role in determining happiness. It also tells your child that he can get food rewards by refusing to cooperate. Instead, negotiate with him and say: "Once you get in the car and fasten your seatbelt, we can play your favorite songs and sing together. It’s so much fun in the car." This old-fashioned approach lets your child know he can control and accept instructions at the same time. If he cooperates, he can do what he likes.
Don’t threaten: "If you don’t get in the car right now, I’ll spank you." Threatening with physical punishment will make your child think that the consequence of not cooperating is violence. Threatening with violence will also make them cooperate only to avoid punishment, not because cooperation benefits both of you. Instead, ask about his feelings and say: "I know you don’t want to get in the car, but I don’t know why. Can you tell me?" Letting your child explain why he refuses to cooperate gives him a chance to describe issues you might not have noticed, such as not being able to see out the window or feeling carsick. It also shows him that you care about his perspective and are happy he’s willing to share it. Once you identify the problem, you can find a solution instead of focusing on whether he’s obedient.
Don’t get angry. Don’t say: "I’ve asked you three times already. I’m going to lose it!" Getting angry will only make him comply to avoid your anger, not to cooperate with you. Instead, adopt a positive attitude and say: "I know you don’t want to get in the car, but I need to go to work, and you need to go to daycare. Once you get in the car and sit down, you can play with the toys we’ve put in the car." Help your child understand that some requests are non-negotiable, but what he has to do is still fun. The toys and books prepared in the car can encourage him to cooperate.
P9-11