Did you laugh after watching?! - You are absolutely tough! -(Miniature New Version)-(Complete Two Volumes)

Author: / Country: Mainland China
Publisher:
Publish Date: 2006-06-01
Features: 20 hilarious jokes that will make you laugh uncontrollably
1. A snake, an ant, a spider, and a centipede were playing mahjong at home. After 8 rounds, the cigarettes ran out. They decided who would go buy more. The snake said, "I don’t have legs, I can’t go. Let the ant go." The ant said, "A spider has eight legs, more than mine. Let the spider go." The spider said, "Even with more legs, I can’t compare to Brother Centipede. Let the centipede go." The centipede felt helpless, thinking, "Well, what can I do? I have too many legs!" So the centipede went out to buy cigarettes. More than an hour passed, and the centipede didn’t come back. After two hours, he still hadn’t returned. So they asked the spider to go check. The spider saw the centipede sitting at the door and got angry. "Why aren’t you going yet? Everyone’s waiting!" The centipede was also annoyed and said, "Are you kidding? You have to wait for me to put on my shoes!"
2. One night, a young woman was walking past a mental hospital when she heard a loud "whoosh" behind her. She turned around and saw a naked man chasing her. Terrified, she ran, but the man chased her relentlessly. Suddenly, she realized she was in a dead end. Desperate, she knelt on the ground and begged, "Do whatever you want to me, just don’t kill me." The man smirked and said, "Really? Then start chasing me now."
3. A person who often used a laptop heard from a friend that a mouse was better than a trackball. So he borrowed one and tried it at home. Unable to figure it out, he called his friend. "The mouse is harder to use than a trackball. It took me ages to move it a little, and the button is on the back—it’s very inconvenient."
4. A warship was sailing at sea. One night, a sailor suddenly spotted a light in the distance. He immediately reported to the captain: "Report to the captain, there’s a ship heading straight toward us. If we don’t change course, we’ll collide!" The captain immediately radioed, "Call, call! This is the captain. Change your course 10 degrees east immediately!" The other ship replied, "Call, call! You move 10 degrees west!" The captain said, "I’m a warship. Do you dare tell me to move?" The other ship immediately shot back, "Hell! I’m a lighthouse. Go ahead and crash into me!"
5. After getting married, a spider and a bee were initially very happy. The bee said, "Wow, it’s great! I can eat meat now." The spider said, "Great, I can taste honey now." But later, they started arguing all the time. The bee said, "You never leave the house, just messing with your damn local network!" The spider said, "You’re always out and about, covered in makeup that’s falling off!" Eventually, they made up, but the bee still complained, "You’re too closed off. Always stuck in your web. Can’t you go on the internet and chat with other spiders?" The spider sighed, "Oh, you don’t know. The company restricts it. I really can’t go on the internet."
6. An old farmer had a daughter who was so ugly she couldn’t find a husband. So he made her a scarecrow in the cornfield to scare crows. But to his surprise, she not only scared the crows away but also scared three of them back, returning the corn they had stolen before.
7. A student studying in the U.S. wanted to take an international driving test. During the exam, he saw a traffic sign indicating a left turn. He wasn’t sure and asked, "Turn left?" The examiner replied, "Right." So he immediately turned right. Unfortunately, he failed and had to retake the test next time.
8. A little rabbit was happily running through the forest when he met a giraffe rolling marijuana. The rabbit said, "Giraffe, why are you doing something harmful to yourself? Look at how beautiful this forest is. Let’s run together in nature!" The giraffe looked at the marijuana, then at the rabbit, threw the marijuana behind him, and ran with the rabbit. Later, they met an elephant preparing to snort cocaine. The rabbit said, "Elephant, why are you doing something harmful to yourself? Look at how beautiful this forest is. Let’s run together in nature!" The elephant looked at the cocaine, then at the rabbit, threw the cocaine behind him, and ran with the rabbit. Then they met a lion preparing to inject heroin. The rabbit said, "Lion, why are you doing something harmful to yourself? Look at how beautiful this forest is. Let’s run together in nature!" The lion looked at the syringe, then at the rabbit, threw the syringe behind him, and violently beat the rabbit. The elephant and the giraffe trembled in fear, "Why did you hit the little rabbit? He’s so kind to care about our health and ask us to be close to nature." The lion angrily said, "This bastard rabbit, every time he’s high on ecstasy, he drags me around like an idiot in the forest!"
9. After having a few drinks, a boss was in a great mood. He whistled while driving his beloved Mercedes 600 down the highway. Suddenly, he noticed a farm tractor parked by the roadside, and a man waving at him. He stopped and found that the tractor had broken down and needed help. Feeling cheerful, the boss agreed to help. They made a deal: if the tractor turned on its right turn signal, he would continue driving; if it turned on the left, he would stop. Then, the boss drove his Mercedes 600 alongside the tractor (of course, very slowly). Suddenly, a BMW sped past them from behind. The boss was furious and yelled, "No one dares to overtake my Mercedes 600!" So he immediately shifted to high gear, stepped on the gas, and chased the BMW. (But since he was drunk, he forgot he was towing a tractor) The boss quickly caught up to the BMW. As they sped at 280 mph, a police officer on the side of the road spotted them and couldn’t stop in time. He quickly radioed the next section of the road: "Hey, hey, hey, I’ve spotted two cars racing at high speed—one’s a BMW, the other’s a Mercedes 600. Please intercept them. Wait, no, there are three cars racing—the tractor is following closely behind and has its left turn signal on, trying to overtake!"
10. A: "Is your talking parrot still alive?" B: "Ah, don’t mention it. I had it for a week, and it died." A: "Did it die from an illness?" B: "No, it died from exhaustion after racing me in a talk competition."
11. A farmer went to an auto dealership and slapped 2,000 yuan onto the table: "Give me a Santana." The salesperson was shocked: "You don’t have enough money!" The farmer didn’t understand: "Isn’t it written outside that it’s a ‘Santana 2000’?" The salesperson: "Oh, then you should turn right when you leave. That company sells Mercedes for 600!"
12. A team member had a child, and all the teammates were invited to the baptism. They arrived at the church when suddenly the child slipped from his mother’s arms. The goalkeeper quickly dove and caught the child just a few centimeters above the ground. Everyone cheered. The goalkeeper instinctively patted his head twice and then kicked the ball skillfully.
13. Mother said to her daughter, "Today, you’ll practice cooking. Make two dishes, and I’ll teach you. The yellow fish, you need to tie straw around its head and roast it. The bamboo shoots, cut them into pieces, and turn the knife after each cut." The daughter agreed and went. A while later, the mother went to the kitchen and was shocked. She saw her daughter with straw tied around her head, spinning on the ground, cutting bamboo shoots with each turn. When she saw her mother, she exclaimed, "Oh no! I’m dizzy!"
14. A BMW was parked illegally on the side of the road. A police officer came, put a ticket on it, and wrote a ticket. The driver, who had just come out of the mall, said, "You’re just a cop, what’s your deal? All you do is put tickets and write tickets!" The police officer looked at him but didn’t say anything and kept writing the ticket. "If you’re so tough, don’t put a ticket. Just call a tow truck!" The police officer looked at him again but didn’t say anything. "What’s your deal? Besides putting tickets, what else can you do? You tow it!" The police officer finished writing the ticket, called a tow truck, and waited for it to arrive. The police officer looked at the driver. "Hey, you’re really tough! You’re tough, you tow it! Give me some courage!" The police officer waved, and the tow truck came. The police officer looked at him. "You’re really tough! You’re tough, you tow it! Give me some courage!" The police officer waved, and the tow truck came. The police officer looked at him, wanting to persuade him not to be so defiant. The driver flipped him off. "You’re tough, wait until the owner comes. You’ll tell him you towed his car!"
15. During college, a guy in the upper bunk kept talking in his sleep in English. After a while, he stopped. The guy in the lower bunk said, "Repeat again." About five minutes later, the guy in the upper bunk started talking in English again.
16. An avid bird lover loved parrots. One day, he passed a bird shop and saw a parrot being auctioned. He liked the parrot’s beautiful feathers and decided to buy it. He shouted, "I’ll pay $10 for this parrot!" Someone else shouted, "I’ll pay $20!" Not wanting to lose the parrot, he raised his bid to $30. But another voice seemed to be mocking him, and the bidding went on until he finally paid $200. The buyer was happy but suddenly realized: I spent so much money on this parrot. If it can’t talk, I’ve lost a lot. So he asked the shopkeeper, "Boss, can this parrot talk?" The parrot then shouted, "Can’t talk?! You think it was who was bidding against you just now?!"
17. Many years ago, pagers were still relatively rare.A bought a pager, andB said, "Let me try it and see if it’s any good." So he called the paging service: "Miss, please page××××××. Stand still where you are and wait for us to call you!" The operator was shocked: "We can’t send that kind of message.B insisted: "We have to send it this way!" A short while later, the pager rang. He picked it up and read: "Someone wants to call you, run!"
18. During a flag-raising ceremony, the principal gave a speech: "I am the son of the Chinese people." A student in the audience said, "I am the Chinese people."
19. In an art museum, there was a painting depicting Adam and Eve. An Englishman saw it and said, "They must be British. The man shares his food with the woman." A Frenchman saw it and said, "They must be French. A couple walking naked." A Russian saw it and said, "They must be Russian. They have no clothes, eat very little, but think they’re in heaven!"
20. A black man found a magic lamp and the genie granted him three wishes. His first wish was to have water every day. His second wish was to turn white. His third wish was to see women’s buttocks every day. "Poof!" The black man turned into a toilet!