Tengu Eight Divisions -- The Most Gossipy Workplace Survival Guide

Author: Guan Zhen
Publisher:
Publish Date: 2005-05-01
Features: Preface: A Terrifying Night in the Study
Time: One month in the summer of 2005, on a dark and stormy night
Location: Guan Zhen's private study, where the air is filled with the mixed scent of Longjing tea, fried sauce noodles, and pet shampoo.
Characters:
Guan Zhen (author of the book) – a 1970s-born old rebel, wearing a tank top and shorts, holding a bamboo fan in his right hand and a ceramic teapot in his left, lying on a lounge chair;
Le Deng (the prototype of the character "Big" in the book) – a mixed-breed English Jack Russell terrier, squatting under the lounge chair, disassembling the last pair of slippers in the house;
Bei Bei (the prototype of the character "" in the book) – an ordinary house cat, freshly bathed, filing her nails on the lounge chair.
Guan Zhen: (Gulps a large mouthful of tea from the spout, making a loud gurgle)
Bei Bei: Making that much noise when drinking? So vulgar! Too vulgar!
Le Deng: Master, I'm not saying this to you, but look at Ma Ge downstairs. He's ten years younger than you, yet he's much more refined!
Guan Zhen: I'm naturally a vulgar person.
Le Deng: Pah! "I," "I," what a rustic term! Ma Ge speaks "、" the moment he opens his mouth!
Guan Zhen: He's not from Shanghai.
Le Deng: He's fashionable! Do you even know what "fashionable" means?
Guan Zhen: You think I'm an old relic? I'm a new youth of the 1970s, raised under the red flag, dreamed of modernization, suffered in my childhood, and earned 250 yuan.
Bei Bei: Enough with that!
Le Deng: Master, we traveled thousands of miles to follow you to Shanghai, not to suffer, nor to be content with earning 250 yuan. Now that grain prices have risen, dog food is also grain. If you continue to substitute bulk food for "Purina," I'll urinate at the entrance of the community, and you'll be infamous in the Chunshen Road area.
Guan Zhen: My personal reputation is small, but the honor of the people of Shandong cannot be tarnished by you!
Le Deng: I knew you'd be attached to home! Confucius has poisoned Shandong people enough!
Guan Zhen: Our generation is attached to home. The moment the train enters Jinan Station, the whistle changes, and all you hear is "sweet potatoes and scallions, sweet potatoes and scallions, sweet potatoes and scallions."
Bei Bei: Please! You're already in the 1950s and 1960s!
Guan Zhen: We have the ideals and passion of the 1950s and 1960s, as well as the sharpness and creativity of the 21st century.
Le Deng: Then go make money! All you do is sit at home drawing comic books. That's not as profitable as selling dog food!
Bei Bei: I heard that comic books abroad are quite profitable. There's a Garfield cat who's my idol!
Le Deng: Have you heard of Snoopy? His prototype was my great-aunt's lover.
Guan Zhen: Chinese people should read their own comic books!
Le Deng: Vulgar! Old-fashioned! Foreign comic books are already made into 3D animated blockbusters, while Chinese cartoonists are still playing with ink!
Guan Zhen: Three dimensions? What three dimensions? Whose three dimensions?
Bei Bei: Okay! He's getting carried away again.
Le Deng: Master, I see you're always eating fried sauce noodles, drinking Longjing tea, and reading bound books. Are you trying to be retro?
Bei Bei: Master, we can't keep doing outdated themes! Whenever people mention Chinese animation, it's either about Taiwan or the mainland, and there are those that make you want to soil yourself.
Guan Zhen: You're talking about cartoons.
Le Deng: It's all the same! If you're going to be a cartoonist like this, we'll cut ties with you. Otherwise, the dogs of Shanghai will curse me for being neutered.
Guan Zhen: I draw adult comic books.
Bei Bei: Adult? He's talking about adult?
Bei Bei: This is a highly organized socialist new Shanghai, not the old society in Sanmao's wandering days! Be careful, the neighborhood grandma from the Residents' Committee might hand you over to the anti-pornography bureau!
Guan Zhen: I'm not talking about pornographic books. I'm talking about books for adults!
Le Deng: It's all the same!
Bei Bei: But it should have a market. Most adults searching online are looking for pornographic images.
Guan Zhen: You don't understand. Adults need books with cultural depth, to calm their minds and cleanse their souls.
Le Deng: What calming minds, souls? The hypocrisy of scholars! Only money is the hard truth!
Guan Zhen: Tell me, what do all those news reports about rich people committing suicide say?
Bei Bei: Cut it out! It could be a murder! Or they died counting money! In any case, money isn't everything, but without it, nothing is possible!
Le Deng: Exactly. We fully support you, Master, in making big money your top priority, to achieve new heights and forge a new path.
Guan Zhen: Let me tell you a story. A monkey gets an open glass bottle with peanuts inside. It shakes it wildly and finally manages to get the peanuts out to eat. A person shows it how to pour the peanuts out of the bottle, but it doesn't learn. The next time it picks up the bottle, it still shakes it wildly. You ask, why is such a smart monkey so foolish?
Bei Bei: Because it's your ancestor.
Le Deng: Because it's too impatient.
Guan Zhen: (Rises and throws the teapot to the ground with a loud crash): choked! choked! The monkey is only staring at the peanuts, too eager to eat, and doesn't think or understand. You must know that the greatest strength of humans is wisdom, and a key point of wisdom is to remain calm, to endure the temptation of profit, to focus on observation, reflection, and thinking to succeed. Only those who busy themselves for visible benefits often fail to gain the greatest benefits.
Bei Bei: But who isn't busy these days? How can you get ahead without working?
Guan Zhen: Wrong! What is busy? Does busyness mean value? Busyness means chaos and disorder, as well as exhaustion, pressure, and anxiety. We constantly impose performance targets on others, and make ourselves like a spinning top, with no time to take care of ourselves or explore life. Busyness is the forgetting of existence, and busyness is the collective sin of society! (Applause)
Bei Bei: Well said! Did you understand that?
Le Deng: It seems to be something said by a hemorrhoid from the Social Kicking Academy. But if you're not busy, wouldn't you just become a lazy person?
Guan Zhen: Lazy— that is the maturity of life.
Le Deng: Then what do you do when you're lazy?
Guan Zhen: Seek your true self, and thereby knock on the door of happiness.
Bei Bei: Happiness, what an ancient word.
Guan Zhen: What do you think happiness is?
Le Deng: Happiness is bones scattered everywhere.
Bei Bei: Fish ball soup, dog tail grass.
Guan Zhen: These are low-level material happiness. For humans, it is happiness after the fulfillment of certain material needs or desires, mainly referring to physical satisfaction, characterized by having money in your pocket and eating well.
Bei Bei: I think happiness is sunbathing with Aunt Hua from the neighbor's house.
Guan Zhen: This can be called interpersonal happiness, the fulfillment of needs or desires in relationships, characterized by happy love and noble officials.
Le Deng: Is there a higher level than that?
Guan Zhen: The highest happiness is spiritual happiness, the realization of self-worth. The latter two types of happiness, you low-level animals, will never understand.
Le Deng: SHIT! Many modern humans treat having money as the only criterion for happiness, which is the same level as a dog having an endless supply of bones!
Guan Zhen: We have love.
Bei Bei: Please don't profane this sacred word! For the cat race, love is unconditional. Whether it's a cat from the White House or a street cat in Chunshen Road, they will fly forward for love, no matter how cold the night or how harsh the wind. But you humans and dogs can sell love for a house or a rotten bone.
Le Deng: Did I do anything to you? We dogs live for loyalty our entire lives, willing to sacrifice love and freedom for the happiness of our masters! I suffer and rejoice for it.
Bei Bei: A puppy's mindset.
Le Deng: Say whatever you want, we're just good at making a living.
Guan Zhen: Through years of mixing with you, I've had an epiphany. I've decided to write a book about the differences in values between cats and dogs.
Bei Bei: There's already enough trash in bookstores. What's the point of adding another book?
Guan Zhen: Here's the newly drafted book ad: Is it a cooling potion to dispel heat? Or a sharp spear to pierce through clouds and fog? Imperfection! It's a flying brick in the alley at midnight! And now this brick is right in front of you.
Bei Bei: Cat Years Wow, it's about us!
Le Deng: What? Did we authorize it? Master, can you just do whatever you want because it's just a brick? What are the royalties? How will it be divided? Bei Bei, what are you waiting for?
(Bei Bei smirks and turns off the light. In the darkness, a desperate scream is heard: "Skip one hamburger, and you'll own a copy of Cat Years—")